So, I went out to a poetry cafe Saturday evening with my cousin
& one of my close friends from college. Poetry has always been a major key
in my life. It's a form of release & I enjoy being invited into other
people's minds as I hear their feelings. If you're in the LES neighborhood I
highly recommend checking out the Nuyorican. It will give you a well needed
break from the routine of your work week & I guarantee you'll leave feeling
inspired. The daily events are listed on their website & the cover ranges
from $10-13. Pick which event you like from the options, arrive early to grab a
seat & there you have the recipe for a calm Saturday turn up!
True to form, during our conversation before & in
between acts; my love life (or the lack thereof) took center stage. Before I go
into detail, let me just say that I wear my emotions on my face. So if you're
close enough to me or are actively paying attention ; you know just how to gage
what thoughts are running through my mind by looking at my expression. With
that being said, these two are the mirrors that I couldn't avoid (even if I
wanted to). Their love for me literally cuts me wide open & it keeps me in
check. If you're reading this (& you better be, thank you for your
investments in my life). They saw that something was heavy on my mind &
knew who the culprit was; myself.
I couldn't stop hearing their words ring through my ears.
"You're a catch, you're not crazy, you're intelligent, and why do you
choose to make limited decisions regarding your heart..." As it turns out,
somewhere along the way to accomplishing my goals; I put my heart on the shelf.
I deliberately "fell" into situationships that were dumb but that
gave me a fixed outcome. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what I was
doing. The truth is, I began to crave the unavailability. I'm not sure how but
I have an ability to be talked to about any & everything. I have a very
emphatic spirit so there are very few things that I can't understand. A lot of
women in particular vent to me & a few of them have fallen in love with me.
I knew from our friendship prior to us becoming romantic or
intimate that they were either emotionally unavailable or used my attention as
a crutch. I filled a void for them & I allowed myself to get involved with
them as their extreme levels of unavailability was convenient. In some cases,
the situationship came with no strings & others had no expectations. The
unavailability worked with my hectic unpredictable schedule & I was able to
dictate the outcome of when it would be over.
Here's the monkey wrench; I want to get married & grow
in love. This means I have to stop craving unavailability & begin to set a
standard but also open myself up to the reality that unavailability doesn't
produce longevity. In order for me to receive what I want & need I have to
jump out of my comfort zone & welcome in a new light.
I woke up this morning, looked at myself in the bathroom mirror
& I said to myself "You know
the problem, now let's figure out a solution. But first, are you scared, &
if so of what?"
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