Monday, November 30, 2015

What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done for money? Gone to college.

        Bruh! I graduated a few months ago from undergrad (#JohnJohnJayCollege #JjayRadio) and as I prepare my applications & narrow down my options for graduate programs, I must admit it feels incredible to exhale. College is a consistent journey of not only self discovery but also non stop growth (if you do it right). You're expected to eat well, study, maintain healthy relationships, get good grades, participate in class, be social, work out, sleep & keep a clean living space.  I know for me (& many of my friends) we learned very quickly that the best way to survive was to create a balance that was ideal for us as individuals.

     During undergrad, I was in between blessings often. To be clear, that's a clever way that I came up with to describe that I was broker than a joke. It's all about perspective & my strategy for myself was to make my mind as optimistic as humanly possible. Throughout the entire time I attended college (for the exception of my senior year) I worked three jobs (two off the books and one on), was a student leader/president of the radio station & I was actively helping my sister raise her son. All this while attending school full-time. & for the record, I graduated with a pretty good GPA. Needless to say, I had very long days. This is where balance and prioritizing saved my sanity. 

    Above everything college taught me the importance of the conditions that follow the word 'if'. That small two letter word is incredibly loaded with power. 'If' creates a relationship. It gives us hope. It helps us stretch our faith. It takes away entitlement. It makes us work towards a reasonable goal. It doesn't involve pride as it creates an environment of humility. Often, I had to tell myself "If you only held on little bit longer..." or "if you can get through this exam, you can get that A for this course". That word was used too many times to count to encourage myself and my peers. 

    College also taught me how crucial a support system is. Parents, if you're reading this, encourage, hug & love your children! It doesn't matter the age or  their gender pure agape love through the form of a hug or an encouraging word; will always be necessary. It shows us that someone cares, that someone is in the stands rooting for us & that we are not in this battle alone.  I thank GOD for my praying mother. 

     College was a direct illustration for me that it is crucial to humble yourself. In this generation there are too many people that don't put themselves aside to think about others. There's nothing wrong with humbling yourself by being concerned with someone else's need. I myself had to cut a slice of humble pie and take the I out of pride. 

     In the time that we gossip or watch reality tv we can support & pray for those who are having a difficult time adjusting to the competitive environment. A childhood friend of mine committed suicide before graduation. I went to grade school, junior high school and high school with him. His grandparents and my mom would take turns going on field trips with our class (which is where they became acquainted as well). It hurt my heart to know that in his time of need , I wasn't there for him. I was too wrapped up in my own day to days that I neglected to see the signs that he was suffering and in need of a non judgmental ear. Now I have to live with the fact that I can never say to him "I miss you, let's grab chipotle soon"

    It all boils down to this, whether it takes you four years or seven; it is important for each of us to squeeze as much out of college that we can. It literally can be what you make it. & if you'd like my advice; use every opportunity that you possibly can to grow!



    

You down to...?

        For whatever reason a lot of the people around me tend to feel comfortable enough to openly talk with me. I appreciate that but I noticed recently that too many people suffer from allowing their insecurities or their haters to shape their views of themselves. So this is an open conversation to all of us & I pose the questions, You down to believe in the power of you?

       "I ... Don't ... feel... anything." This statement fractured my heart. For a beautiful, articulate, family orientated young woman with a career to say she hasn't felt in years is scary. Without putting all of her business in the street, she had been apart of an intense relationship that she thought would lead down the road to marriage. They were childhood friends. They flirted throughout most of high school and finally committed to each other the summer before college. What led to their breakup was they loved with different love languages. He wanted arm candy while she wanted lifelong soul food. Needless to say she gave him all her power and when he broke up with her she felt bent into painful shapes. 

     For anyone out there that's experiencing a break up or grieving (because they can't go a day without thinking about them), understand that making the choice to become numb or to avoid your feelings is giving that other person power over your life. The best way to heal is to release the negative feelings and realize that you cannot erase the memories or delete the experiences out of your life. In the words of the uber talented Alicia Keys "my soul was returned so I call it a lesson learned.." You're still alive, you're still beautiful and you're still young enough to have a new beginning on love. Take the time to invest back into your happiness and the right love partner (who speaks your love language) will walk right into your life and build with you. Don't be too lazy to look out for yourself. 

      "I feel helpless... I can't even get likes on instagram..." First off, please don't put your confidence in the hands of social media. Your love or belief in yourself should never come from the amount of followers, likes or shares that you receive. Social media was designed to be fun , not torture. Also, if you feel fly & you own whatever you are wearing or doing you will shine! That glow will always reign over a few social media likes. 

    Word to the wise: hold onto every genuine, joyful, encouraging person that you come across. The unfortunate reality is that this generation is full of people driven by money, status, celebrity, keyboard internet courage, pride and ego. As a result, joyful souls are few and far between. Be very mindful and aware of the energy that you release and the energy that you entertain. & believe in the power of you! 

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Friends, How many of us have them?

Friends, How many of us have them?

I was asked, how do I define friendship? I found it to be interesting because recently a few people who I once considered friends or even chosen family have fallen from the branch of my family tree. As morbid as that sounds, they didn't die, they just decided to take their loyalty away from me. I'll be honest; initially it hurt like hell. I swear I heard Monica's "Before You Walk Out My Life" playing in my head. Then I was reminded that people are sometimes seasonal, & we have to be wise enough (regardless of the situation) to not fight the process. For this reason we have to be careful who we build memories with, they literally can & will last a lifetime. I'm going to be as transparent as possible, friendship changes daily; & whether it is for a season or for a lifetime each of us should examine our definition of who we consider to be our friends. 

A real friend will honor you as they admire you and help you escape your enemy or addictions (which come in the form of people too).  I've had "friends" who when I spoke the truth to them they couldn't handle it. Those bonds weren't real. Those friends were seasonal and circumstantial. I've also had friends that were immature and weren't on my level. Those type of bonds needed time so that either I or they could grow up and appreciate the beauty of our bond. I've also had friends that introduced me to parts of my character that I didn't realize existed. It's like they gave birth to my potential and helped me grow it into potency. 


Often we view friendship and romantic relationships through different lenses but in reality they co-exist together. They have a parent to child relationship that is universal. Friendship needs to be cultivated and should grow with time. Genuine friends (the ones who often become family and who become staples in your life) are invested in you and want to see you grow at every level of life. You get so attached to these people that your connection is unspoken. It's felt. It's honest, it's layered. It's taking the time to ask "How was your day?" & actually caring to help when they are in need. 


Sometimes (most times) we expect people to be there for us when we haven't been there for them. Any healthy relationship needs to be operating with sincere reciprocity. My Mema used to tell us that you can't receive a blessing with a closed fist. You have to open your hands & hearts to give and in turn you will receive. I admit that there have been times where I was invested in a friendship but wasn't invested in the pages of the chapters that they didn't read aloud. I had to check myself & realize that if I was going to commit to the friendship that I had to be there for their truths as well. Regardless of how uncomfortable, ugly, embarrassing or taboo I had to make a conscious effort to be willing to support them in this way.


Friendship is funny because too many times we want friends or people to be around but aren't friendly. It's necessary to ask yourself, am I being a friend or am I in a secret competition with this person? Do I love them for them or am I here because I have something to gain from being connected to them? The question remains; Friends, How many of us have them? Are them?



Friday, November 20, 2015

But Love is Blind; right?

Blinded by the shine of your heart
Captivated through your smile 
Where do I start?
I traveled two time zones
Took three flights
Fought an internal fight
& through it all my heart sings the lullaby of your name
The sweet scent of lotus flowers tickle my nose
As the melodies of your love fill my spirit
Erected by your kindness
Consoled by your compassion
Drunk off of your intellect
Can I hold you down?
I would like to get to know if I could be
The type of man that you can be down for
Because when I look into your eyes something tells me
That you're scared...
Hurt
Bruised
Lonely.
Somebody thought that they could afford your love
They thought that you didn't deserve all the blessings from above
They bent you
They tried to mold you
They mistreated you
They devalued you
But they couldn't break you
They were incapable of loving you past your pain.
I can't buy you tanzanite treasures
I can however guarantee you agape, non judgmental, unfiltered, unlimited love
I pledge allegiance to these words from the four chambers of my heart
& to the reality on which I stand
One man
Under GOD
Blinded by the shine of your heart...

Monday, November 16, 2015

Africa In America; A blank canvas

I'm bare
White
Black
Unfinished
Plain
Unnoticed & Unimportant
Can you fix me?
Do you think that some strokes of red
Hues of turquoise
And brushes of black can regenerate the pain that emerges everyday that I breathe?
Can you heal me?
Are you prepared to listen to the stories of the things that make me jump in the darkest of night?
I'm hurting
I'm in despair
I'm confused
I believe that Tawana told the truth
That Cosby is a strategy distraction
& that Trayvon deserved to experience the rest of his youth
Can you fix me?
Paint a smile on my tear stained face
Mold me a heart that won't break
Take away each strand of anger
It burns!
It hurts to exist
To inhale
To live
Can you fix me?
My screams have been stifled
My hands have been restrained 
My body has been attacked
My ethnicity is consistently trying to be discredited 
Can you fix me?
Understand but don't judge
Love me even when I don't deserve it
Teach me how to heal instead of hurt
Please!
Provide for me an outlet of consistent rejuvenation
I'm bleeding from the inside out
Don't you see?
This is not conventional warfare
My soul is exploding onto this canvas
These aren't just pieces
These aren't just words
I'm sharing with you a major part of me
Cut me from a different cloth and stitch me back together whole again
Are you listening?
Will anybody?
Can anybody?
Fix me.


Thirsty; Can I get a refill?

I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
The juices invaded my conscious
& made a bed on my insides
Maybe I should have started with a sip
Instead I took a gulp
I find it hard to say
To convince
To convey
That I'm alright
My eyes have witnessed the consequences that erupted when people fought GOD's will
My lips have tasted the fruit that grew from the forbidden tree
& believe it or not, it enlightened me
Again, I was thirsty so I drunk from your glass
This time I slowly sipped
I never noticed the detail of the design until my fingers were forced to clench it
The details brought my mind to travel through the canals of my lifetime
Bittersweet memories were rekindled from dusty note to selfs
I took another sip to ease the fire of my desires
I remember you
The genuine
The fragile
The strong
Our relationship evaporated my worries
You quenched my thirst
Our bond was just like this liquid
Cleansing
Nurturing
& Organic
I would ask for a refill 
Another opportunity
Another chance
Another brief moment
I wish that I could rearrange our history
Wind time back to an instant
An instant where I was I 
You were you
& just like this liquid we nurtured each others innocence
A taste
A spot
A piece
I just want you around
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty...

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Love?

So, I was having a conversation with my mentor early this afternoon. What began as a career discussion morphed into dialogue about relationships. It was at that point that I realized I have never fallen in love. Granted, I have had my share of experiences and situationships. However for me, love has never been a factor.  I have never been offered the support that I want or even needed. Instead I was given the leftovers of a broken vessel that refused to open up themselves for healing and reflection. As I look back I realize that I fell in love with moments. The way she rubbed my back to get my attention. The time she relied on the fact that I was ticklish to win an argument. Or  when she exhaled and whispered " hold me tighter". Those memories always come wrapped in smiles when I think of them. They are dog eared in the pages of my mind.

After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time.  There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or   "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.

Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said  "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.

Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break? 

Equality; The Other Forbidden Fruit

I spent the summer of 2015 traveling, learning & working on the continent of Africa. Here's one of my journal posts regarding my experiences in July during Ramadan. Enjoy!

                                                  Equality; The Other Forbidden Fruit 

I remember when I was a child and the Rwanda genocide was first creating steam. Many media outlets were placing pressure on universities as well as companies who had financial investments in that region of Africa. I didn’t learn about it in a traditional way. Instead a television episode of A Different World introduced it to me. I was angry that so many people with the same ethnicity resorted to violence (and ultimately murder) as an immediate resolution to solve their problem. I was also angry that people from America didn’t seem to feel as passionately about the genocide as I did as a child. Fast forward to present day, I am a variety pack of feelings as I look around and the weight of physically being in Africa settles in. There are virtually a gazillion thoughts running through my mind because I keep wondering what can I do and how can I concretely create change…

For me these thoughts arrive in waves. Taking a casual walk through town you can clearly spot several similarities as well as differences from our society in New York to the people of Tanzania. Women, girls in particular; are often expected to stifle their individual voice. In New York, it is very common to see girls illustrate their sexuality through their clothing. They communicate mess
ages through how little or even how form fitted their garments are. Here, even if you wanted to communicate that way it would never be accepted or allowed. Currently, many people are observing Ramadan and even the prostitutes or sex workers are dressed in traditional hijabs and respectful garments. I find it very intriguing how much more respectful people can be in town here. Another fact that has sparked my interest is the traffic here. Women have the opportunity to ride bikes but they choose not to. Instead, they are driven around on piki piki’s (motor scooters) and sit on the back with their legs together and their purse in their lap. Surprisngly, they manage to keep their back straight and everything in place. Women in New York cling around their motorcycle driver when riding.

Although it may not be initially apparent, women are the gems of this society. When we broke into teams for the cultural cooking lesson we got an opportunity to spend the bulk of our day with the “mama” of the home. I observed her sew, help us prepare a three course meal from scratch, iron, manually light the coal fire, nurse her ten month old niece and bathe her toddler. Her high level of multitasking made me appreciate my own mother’s sacrifice. It also showed me that the nucleus of this society (similar to New York) is a strong invested mother. The “mamas” or the “matriarchs” of the family ensure safety and also provide a standard for their household. There’s power in their approval. In the reverse, there’s power in their disapproval. 


My experience in the household also gave me hope for the girls of Utaani. These girls may not have as much of a variety of opportunities as women in other parts of the world; but they have a yearning desire to learn. They are sharp, witty but also very inquisitive. There’s genuine discipline in their willingness to respect the cultural standards of this community. There’s incredible power in the reality that one day they will be as respected as the “mamas” that raise and sacrifice for them. My experience thus far has concretely illustrated for me that it is not our abilities that show who we truly are, it is the power of our choices that define our character.