So, I was having a conversation with my mentor early this afternoon. What began as a career discussion morphed into dialogue about relationships. It was at that point that I realized I have never fallen in love. Granted, I have had my share of experiences and situationships. However for me, love has never been a factor. I have never been offered the support that I want or even needed. Instead I was given the leftovers of a broken vessel that refused to open up themselves for healing and reflection. As I look back I realize that I fell in love with moments. The way she rubbed my back to get my attention. The time she relied on the fact that I was ticklish to win an argument. Or when she exhaled and whispered " hold me tighter". Those memories always come wrapped in smiles when I think of them. They are dog eared in the pages of my mind.
After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time. There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.
Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.
Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break?
After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time. There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.
Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.
Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break?
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