Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts

Monday, November 30, 2015

What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done for money? Gone to college.

        Bruh! I graduated a few months ago from undergrad (#JohnJohnJayCollege #JjayRadio) and as I prepare my applications & narrow down my options for graduate programs, I must admit it feels incredible to exhale. College is a consistent journey of not only self discovery but also non stop growth (if you do it right). You're expected to eat well, study, maintain healthy relationships, get good grades, participate in class, be social, work out, sleep & keep a clean living space.  I know for me (& many of my friends) we learned very quickly that the best way to survive was to create a balance that was ideal for us as individuals.

     During undergrad, I was in between blessings often. To be clear, that's a clever way that I came up with to describe that I was broker than a joke. It's all about perspective & my strategy for myself was to make my mind as optimistic as humanly possible. Throughout the entire time I attended college (for the exception of my senior year) I worked three jobs (two off the books and one on), was a student leader/president of the radio station & I was actively helping my sister raise her son. All this while attending school full-time. & for the record, I graduated with a pretty good GPA. Needless to say, I had very long days. This is where balance and prioritizing saved my sanity. 

    Above everything college taught me the importance of the conditions that follow the word 'if'. That small two letter word is incredibly loaded with power. 'If' creates a relationship. It gives us hope. It helps us stretch our faith. It takes away entitlement. It makes us work towards a reasonable goal. It doesn't involve pride as it creates an environment of humility. Often, I had to tell myself "If you only held on little bit longer..." or "if you can get through this exam, you can get that A for this course". That word was used too many times to count to encourage myself and my peers. 

    College also taught me how crucial a support system is. Parents, if you're reading this, encourage, hug & love your children! It doesn't matter the age or  their gender pure agape love through the form of a hug or an encouraging word; will always be necessary. It shows us that someone cares, that someone is in the stands rooting for us & that we are not in this battle alone.  I thank GOD for my praying mother. 

     College was a direct illustration for me that it is crucial to humble yourself. In this generation there are too many people that don't put themselves aside to think about others. There's nothing wrong with humbling yourself by being concerned with someone else's need. I myself had to cut a slice of humble pie and take the I out of pride. 

     In the time that we gossip or watch reality tv we can support & pray for those who are having a difficult time adjusting to the competitive environment. A childhood friend of mine committed suicide before graduation. I went to grade school, junior high school and high school with him. His grandparents and my mom would take turns going on field trips with our class (which is where they became acquainted as well). It hurt my heart to know that in his time of need , I wasn't there for him. I was too wrapped up in my own day to days that I neglected to see the signs that he was suffering and in need of a non judgmental ear. Now I have to live with the fact that I can never say to him "I miss you, let's grab chipotle soon"

    It all boils down to this, whether it takes you four years or seven; it is important for each of us to squeeze as much out of college that we can. It literally can be what you make it. & if you'd like my advice; use every opportunity that you possibly can to grow!



    

You down to...?

        For whatever reason a lot of the people around me tend to feel comfortable enough to openly talk with me. I appreciate that but I noticed recently that too many people suffer from allowing their insecurities or their haters to shape their views of themselves. So this is an open conversation to all of us & I pose the questions, You down to believe in the power of you?

       "I ... Don't ... feel... anything." This statement fractured my heart. For a beautiful, articulate, family orientated young woman with a career to say she hasn't felt in years is scary. Without putting all of her business in the street, she had been apart of an intense relationship that she thought would lead down the road to marriage. They were childhood friends. They flirted throughout most of high school and finally committed to each other the summer before college. What led to their breakup was they loved with different love languages. He wanted arm candy while she wanted lifelong soul food. Needless to say she gave him all her power and when he broke up with her she felt bent into painful shapes. 

     For anyone out there that's experiencing a break up or grieving (because they can't go a day without thinking about them), understand that making the choice to become numb or to avoid your feelings is giving that other person power over your life. The best way to heal is to release the negative feelings and realize that you cannot erase the memories or delete the experiences out of your life. In the words of the uber talented Alicia Keys "my soul was returned so I call it a lesson learned.." You're still alive, you're still beautiful and you're still young enough to have a new beginning on love. Take the time to invest back into your happiness and the right love partner (who speaks your love language) will walk right into your life and build with you. Don't be too lazy to look out for yourself. 

      "I feel helpless... I can't even get likes on instagram..." First off, please don't put your confidence in the hands of social media. Your love or belief in yourself should never come from the amount of followers, likes or shares that you receive. Social media was designed to be fun , not torture. Also, if you feel fly & you own whatever you are wearing or doing you will shine! That glow will always reign over a few social media likes. 

    Word to the wise: hold onto every genuine, joyful, encouraging person that you come across. The unfortunate reality is that this generation is full of people driven by money, status, celebrity, keyboard internet courage, pride and ego. As a result, joyful souls are few and far between. Be very mindful and aware of the energy that you release and the energy that you entertain. & believe in the power of you! 

Monday, November 16, 2015

Africa In America; A blank canvas

I'm bare
White
Black
Unfinished
Plain
Unnoticed & Unimportant
Can you fix me?
Do you think that some strokes of red
Hues of turquoise
And brushes of black can regenerate the pain that emerges everyday that I breathe?
Can you heal me?
Are you prepared to listen to the stories of the things that make me jump in the darkest of night?
I'm hurting
I'm in despair
I'm confused
I believe that Tawana told the truth
That Cosby is a strategy distraction
& that Trayvon deserved to experience the rest of his youth
Can you fix me?
Paint a smile on my tear stained face
Mold me a heart that won't break
Take away each strand of anger
It burns!
It hurts to exist
To inhale
To live
Can you fix me?
My screams have been stifled
My hands have been restrained 
My body has been attacked
My ethnicity is consistently trying to be discredited 
Can you fix me?
Understand but don't judge
Love me even when I don't deserve it
Teach me how to heal instead of hurt
Please!
Provide for me an outlet of consistent rejuvenation
I'm bleeding from the inside out
Don't you see?
This is not conventional warfare
My soul is exploding onto this canvas
These aren't just pieces
These aren't just words
I'm sharing with you a major part of me
Cut me from a different cloth and stitch me back together whole again
Are you listening?
Will anybody?
Can anybody?
Fix me.


Thirsty; Can I get a refill?

I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
The juices invaded my conscious
& made a bed on my insides
Maybe I should have started with a sip
Instead I took a gulp
I find it hard to say
To convince
To convey
That I'm alright
My eyes have witnessed the consequences that erupted when people fought GOD's will
My lips have tasted the fruit that grew from the forbidden tree
& believe it or not, it enlightened me
Again, I was thirsty so I drunk from your glass
This time I slowly sipped
I never noticed the detail of the design until my fingers were forced to clench it
The details brought my mind to travel through the canals of my lifetime
Bittersweet memories were rekindled from dusty note to selfs
I took another sip to ease the fire of my desires
I remember you
The genuine
The fragile
The strong
Our relationship evaporated my worries
You quenched my thirst
Our bond was just like this liquid
Cleansing
Nurturing
& Organic
I would ask for a refill 
Another opportunity
Another chance
Another brief moment
I wish that I could rearrange our history
Wind time back to an instant
An instant where I was I 
You were you
& just like this liquid we nurtured each others innocence
A taste
A spot
A piece
I just want you around
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty...

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Love?

So, I was having a conversation with my mentor early this afternoon. What began as a career discussion morphed into dialogue about relationships. It was at that point that I realized I have never fallen in love. Granted, I have had my share of experiences and situationships. However for me, love has never been a factor.  I have never been offered the support that I want or even needed. Instead I was given the leftovers of a broken vessel that refused to open up themselves for healing and reflection. As I look back I realize that I fell in love with moments. The way she rubbed my back to get my attention. The time she relied on the fact that I was ticklish to win an argument. Or  when she exhaled and whispered " hold me tighter". Those memories always come wrapped in smiles when I think of them. They are dog eared in the pages of my mind.

After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time.  There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or   "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.

Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said  "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.

Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break?