Press Play...

 

I inhale and I can still smell you on my lips
Is this a dream?
The scent lingers and triggers  memories of laughter
Memories of healing
Experiences of elaborate ectasy
Your face flashes through my mind like it's going out of style
Let me rewind
Let's go back to the beginning when I was too shy to shine a spotlight your way
I watched you as you stood in the center of the afternoon sunlight
Whispering to myself I asked GOD to ease my heart as it drummed through my chest
My pulse raced and I arranged my feelings into formation
I kept my ray bans on to hide my admiration
That afternoon, we talked topics ranging from African apartheid to ratchet reality TV
I clung to your every word like a caterpillar afraid to shed from the cocoon
Is this a dream?
Fast forward to the time you let me take a tour of your scars
I traced them with my thumb like I was looking for directions on an MTA map
Carefully, I listened as you took off your cool to introduce me to your insecurities
Let's pause on the part where you got teary eyed as you stumbled to say
I love you
Is this a dream?
Yo! I'm sorry I'm late
I'm sorry that I initially allowed you to push me away
Instead I should have held you
& reminded you that you are the last slither of air that I need before I drown
As a matter of fact, I did drown
In your eyes
As corny as it sounds, I value your verbal intimacy
Is this a dream?
I was never looking for love
You provided me with loyalty
I never needed to second guess your word
You trusted me with your heart
I looked for respect
& you adjusted my crown
I got on my knees & cried out

GOD!
I'm terrified to let this guard down, I need you to show up and if this is your will you build a foundation that neither of us can ignore
Immediately, before I can seal it with an amen, you text me
Telling me that you want to start over
You told me that your heart won't let you let go this easily
Now
Let's press play
As we keep the pace & allow our love story to be written organically
Here's my hand, this time you lead.

Let No One Stop Your Growth...

It's 2016, we all have a smart phone or an apple device. You know when you try to capture a new photo on your phone & you get the not enough storage screen pop up? or the storage almost full notifications? That's an indicator to us that our screenshots, & messages, & music & whatever else; has taken up so much space that we can't absorb anything new. Our phone gives us signs to let us know that it's time to let things go. Why are we so quick to delete things & threads from our devices but not our minds, spirits or hearts? Literally our phones are teaching us that the more stuff we hold onto the less new blessings & new GOOD memories we can receive.

I went through my screenshots this morning. I had memes, hop-stop directions & a whole bunch of other crap that I haven't even needed to keep. It was just there taking up space, and slowing down my phone. It made me realize that I need to apply this same concept to my life. There are certain things that we need to let go of simply because the weight of carrying it has become too heavy. We literally beg the universe for signs that we aren't ready to see. & instead of addressing these loads and unpacking, we carry them into our next relationship. We bring them along with us to work. We keep them draped around our shoulders as we study, and it haunts us as we try to sleep at night. We either make ourselves miserable & full of regret or we build ourselves up to be strong. The amount of investment and work is the same. Choose wisely.

Here's a piece of advice, we can buy those yeezy's, we can slip into those red bottoms; but regardless of whats on your feet, running away from your problems is a race that you will NEVER win. Sometimes we have to stop avoiding the pain. As long as you are actively growing, get comfortable in the fact that not everyone will be going to the next level with you. For me, once I made the decision to love myself I realized that the levels of my relationships with everyone changed. I developed a newfound respect for positive energies and I started valuing selflessness. I believe that GOD blesses the individuals who have taken a gulp from the cup of sorrow in an effort to avoid making others taste it.

Romantically, we forget that what isn't resolved or healed as we are single; will spread like a cancer as we are together. We have to heal individually before we commit to sharing our energy with anyone; hurt people, hurt people.

Your 20's are undoubtedly some of the roughest years of your life. You realize that you are too old to be wasting time but also too young to be attached to things and people that drain you. Regardless of where you are at this very moment in your life, embrace & celebrate it. What you're experiencing is either a product of your previous growth or leading you to help you grow. Everyday theres a new decision to be made that molds your future. I'm just going to say it bluntly; your 20's need to be your years of undeniable growth and self indulgence. You have to learn how to stop feeding the people who only come to "support" you to grab a plate and leave.

Be patient with yourself and trust in every aspect of your journey. Create a balance; Love. Heal. Grow.

P.S. It isn't your job or responsibility to wake up anyone who's sleeping on you.

Elle Varner; A Lyrical Genius...

I'm not sure when it happened but celebrities being a one trick pony has been a common trend. There is no originality, there is no attention to detail, there is no fire. In 2016 there are several musical artists that skipped the stage presence classes in performing arts school and it is more entertaining to watch paint dry in your kitchen than to see them "perform".

Elle Varner, is not one of those artists!

Instead, Elle performs from the top of her head all the way down to her perfectly imperfect toes. To see her perform, is an electrifying experience. On Friday (January 29) I had the pleasure of a second row seat to witness her magic. Let's begin from the top. Elle graced the stage in a two piece silver & gray turtle neck bodysuit. The outfit was a great choice as it reflected every shimmer of light that gleamed off. In no uncertain terms, Elle looked radiant. She joked " Am I giving you the late great David Bowie? With a little Diana? & (a lot) of Elle Varner?" Her curls loosely sat like a well sculpted lionesses mane. From the moment that she stepped foot onto the BB Kings stage (here in New York City) she owned that venue.

Elle delivered a well rehearsed, well executed, performance. Elle's voice can only be compared to a bluebird singing your favorite lullaby. She uses that vocal instrument at octaves I have only dreamt of. Every note, every word, every emotion is calculated and organically felt. Elle's debut album peaked at number four on the US Billboard Hot 200 upon its release in 2012. Elle has an amazing ability to fuse Jazz falsetto, Rock , and R&B. Her lyrics will tug at your heart strings and from a man's perspective; make you want to drive over to that girl who's heart you broke and crazy glue it back together. 

Elle performed all of her original music from the debut album and introduced to the world a few brand spanking new unreleased tracks. My personal favorite was entitled "Read Me Down". Which is a playful metaphor about the first (or the most passionate) relationship between two people. The beauty of the lyrics is the juxtaposition between chapters of vulnerability and intimacy. Elle cleverly combined making love with expressing to your partner the chapters of your story that you normally don't read aloud. In case i'm being unclear; Elle is a lyrical genius. She takes every element of heartache, joy, suffering but also healing and wraps it in the lace of forgiveness. 

"From Beyoncè to Lauryn Hill" were the words that she said to us as she sat on a stool and tickled the strings of her guitar. There, she gave our ears an orgasm as we all hung off of her every word. Elle's showmanship was illustrated throughout her entire set. What impressed me was the way that she casually directed her musicians. She subtly would cue them to speed up or slow down their pace as she wanted to tell us just the right story. 

Elle also took advantage of every opportunity to engage with the crowd. She grabbed several cell phones and recorded snapchat videos as she was singing. Elle held hands, blew kisses and consoled an audience member as she cried. Once she finished, Elle returned for a encore performance to belt out another ballad. With her chin tilted upward, and her smile as bright as the sunlight, she whispered "Thank you so much". & just like that Elle concluded a picture-perfect performance. 

As luck would have it, I ended up backstage with her cousins, Dad, NYU friends/alumni and herself. With a quick outfit change, she stood there warmly smiling and holding conversations with everyone. I realized then that what I witnessed on stage was a slice of her actual humility. Elle's spirit is genuinely beautiful. Elle was patient with everyone there and cracked jokes as she hugged and thanked whoever was around (me included).  

Thank you Elle, for sharing your heart with us. I look forward to seeing where you journey to next.          

Light at the end of the tunnel...

I dreamt of you last night
There was a long hallway
& at the end was a single flame
You were at the beginning of it standing near a corner screaming
Your tall silhouette towered over a pen and pad and you wept
Every tear that escaped from your eyes turned into words
Feelings
Emotions
They poured out of you
One after the other
Rows of thoughts
Sentences of sorrow
Stanzas of sadness
I walked over to you
Stretched my arms out to catch them with the fabric from my sleeves
There I was, standing beside you drenched in all the fears that you used to fight back
The chapters of your past that you refuse to read aloud were draped over my body.
Slowly
You turned to me
& said
"I was dying inside, thank you for guarding my feelings , you are a reflection of GOD's love"
& I replied
"There is light at the end of this tunnel, take my hand and we will get there together"
I realized then that nobody ever gave you the space to release anything that weighed your heart down.

My Nig*a; What's Good?!

When will we let the truth set us free?  

I'm not going to sugarcoat any of this, I have no intention to pacify white supremacists or soothe the feelings of white privilege. I also am not going to flatter my friends or foes who refer to each other as "this nigga". I will however address the large elephant in the room; the black plight. If nothing more, 2015 made it abundantly clear that the black struggle is not only real, it is consistently under attack. Black lives are in a state of emergency. In fact, we expect to be treated like diamonds but walk around illustrating that we don't believe to be worth more than a crack rock. Trust me when I say, we all have the power to teach people how to treat us. Currently, we praise the scammers or the illiterate hood-boogers but don't offer the same level of respect for our brothers and sisters who sacrifice their personal time to hold it down for their families and provide academic but also professional opportunities for themselves. We aren't even patient with them or take the time to consider how hard they work. We expect to be offered a seat at the table that gives us a grand chance at our forty acres and a mule by greeting each other with "My nigga wats good?!" 

Allow me to reintroduce some of you guys to the missing pages of American history. The word nigger was a term used to seal the deal after a black person was lynched for sport or recreation. Black people were hunted like cattle. They were tied at their hands & feet, sometimes burnt alive or raped, and were then hung in front of everyone for forms of entertainment. Regardless of how well they behaved , or how quick they were obedient, lynching became a favorite pastime or a quick form of punishment. & right before the last ounce of oxygen left their lungs, they heard the words " You had it coming nigger." Fast forward to present day, we use this word as a term of endearment or an informal greeting everyday. And in the same vein, we are enraged when the decision of no indictment is made for cases like Sandra Bland or Tamir Rice. How often do we hear caucasians (white people for those of us still sleeping) saying " Wassup Cracker!?" or " See you later my saltine!", never! 

The reality is clear, we are still being hunted for sport. It's ironic that too many of us are happlily sleepwalking and falling in line without being proactive. When will it be time for y'all to wake up instead of hitting the snooze button thirty times in a row. You are wasting time. You are losing money. You've lost sight of your worth the moment you settle for less than what you deserve. The words that you release from your mouth will never return to you to void. Plainly put you reap whatever you sow. The good , the bad, the indifferent. If all you ever see yourself as is just another nigga, that is all you'll ever be. Let's try this, no questions; stop giving people discounts on your personal currency. 

We have to arm ourselves with knowledge, with love for our melanin and respect for our journey. Pick up a book before you snapchat those nudes. Be a shoulder for a friend in need instead of uploading that thirst trap. Create a standard of respect for your name and all the sacrifices that were made just for you to have the option to not be the next vine of strange fruit. Balance your life with knowledge, love and encouragement. I'm not saying you can't have fun or enjoy your youth, but learn your worth first. Tamir Rice will never have the luxury to know how it feels to turn thirteen years old.  I hope that if nothing more, this post will make you uncomfortable & restless. I hope that you allow these words to make you get tired of feeling like a guest in masters house. Let that sink in. 

Mistletoe Kisses

 

Mistletoe Kisses & Caviar Dreams
Large wrapped boxes & magical smile gleams
The smell of freshly cut pine tickles my nose
As my stomach does backflips thinking of the food that was composed
Sweet melodies of love bellow throughout
& I'm stuck here thinking of you & there's no doubt
Your beauty is like water replenishing all of this vessel
I am addicted to your smile
Those curves
Soft lips
That walk
Those hips
Mistletoe kisses & sweet smelling pies
Yet my mind won't stop wondering about the gold which lies between your thighs
Red Ribbons shining
Wrapping paper flying

As your energy surrounds all of my thoughts
Your body communicates messages to me that words will not do justice
I observe you without ever taking a break
To watch how selflessly you give turns me on in ways that only my actions can show
I admire your approach, always real never fake
Mistletoe kisses & millions of mind journeys later...
I am pleased to be covered in the melodies of your 
Voice
Tone
Diction
You are quickly becoming a yearning addiction
The way you understand my problems
The times when you always know just what to say
All leave me in a trance
I know now that you are not just my inspiration 
Just like the tons of fish that occupy the sea
You live in all of my thoughts
& you can find me waiting underneath  the mistletoe...

What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done for money? Gone to college.

        Bruh! I graduated a few months ago from undergrad (#JohnJohnJayCollege #JjayRadio) and as I prepare my applications & narrow down my options for graduate programs, I must admit it feels incredible to exhale. College is a consistent journey of not only self discovery but also non stop growth (if you do it right). You're expected to eat well, study, maintain healthy relationships, get good grades, participate in class, be social, work out, sleep & keep a clean living space.  I know for me (& many of my friends) we learned very quickly that the best way to survive was to create a balance that was ideal for us as individuals.

     During undergrad, I was in between blessings often. To be clear, that's a clever way that I came up with to describe that I was broker than a joke. It's all about perspective & my strategy for myself was to make my mind as optimistic as humanly possible. Throughout the entire time I attended college (for the exception of my senior year) I worked three jobs (two off the books and one on), was a student leader/president of the radio station & I was actively helping my sister raise her son. All this while attending school full-time. & for the record, I graduated with a pretty good GPA. Needless to say, I had very long days. This is where balance and prioritizing saved my sanity. 

    Above everything college taught me the importance of the conditions that follow the word 'if'. That small two letter word is incredibly loaded with power. 'If' creates a relationship. It gives us hope. It helps us stretch our faith. It takes away entitlement. It makes us work towards a reasonable goal. It doesn't involve pride as it creates an environment of humility. Often, I had to tell myself "If you only held on little bit longer..." or "if you can get through this exam, you can get that A for this course". That word was used too many times to count to encourage myself and my peers. 

    College also taught me how crucial a support system is. Parents, if you're reading this, encourage, hug & love your children! It doesn't matter the age or  their gender pure agape love through the form of a hug or an encouraging word; will always be necessary. It shows us that someone cares, that someone is in the stands rooting for us & that we are not in this battle alone.  I thank GOD for my praying mother. 

     College was a direct illustration for me that it is crucial to humble yourself. In this generation there are too many people that don't put themselves aside to think about others. There's nothing wrong with humbling yourself by being concerned with someone else's need. I myself had to cut a slice of humble pie and take the I out of pride. 

     In the time that we gossip or watch reality tv we can support & pray for those who are having a difficult time adjusting to the competitive environment. A childhood friend of mine committed suicide before graduation. I went to grade school, junior high school and high school with him. His grandparents and my mom would take turns going on field trips with our class (which is where they became acquainted as well). It hurt my heart to know that in his time of need , I wasn't there for him. I was too wrapped up in my own day to days that I neglected to see the signs that he was suffering and in need of a non judgmental ear. Now I have to live with the fact that I can never say to him "I miss you, let's grab chipotle soon"

    It all boils down to this, whether it takes you four years or seven; it is important for each of us to squeeze as much out of college that we can. It literally can be what you make it. & if you'd like my advice; use every opportunity that you possibly can to grow!



    

You down to...?

        For whatever reason a lot of the people around me tend to feel comfortable enough to openly talk with me. I appreciate that but I noticed recently that too many people suffer from allowing their insecurities or their haters to shape their views of themselves. So this is an open conversation to all of us & I pose the questions, You down to believe in the power of you?

       "I ... Don't ... feel... anything." This statement fractured my heart. For a beautiful, articulate, family orientated young woman with a career to say she hasn't felt in years is scary. Without putting all of her business in the street, she had been apart of an intense relationship that she thought would lead down the road to marriage. They were childhood friends. They flirted throughout most of high school and finally committed to each other the summer before college. What led to their breakup was they loved with different love languages. He wanted arm candy while she wanted lifelong soul food. Needless to say she gave him all her power and when he broke up with her she felt bent into painful shapes. 

     For anyone out there that's experiencing a break up or grieving (because they can't go a day without thinking about them), understand that making the choice to become numb or to avoid your feelings is giving that other person power over your life. The best way to heal is to release the negative feelings and realize that you cannot erase the memories or delete the experiences out of your life. In the words of the uber talented Alicia Keys "my soul was returned so I call it a lesson learned.." You're still alive, you're still beautiful and you're still young enough to have a new beginning on love. Take the time to invest back into your happiness and the right love partner (who speaks your love language) will walk right into your life and build with you. Don't be too lazy to look out for yourself. 

      "I feel helpless... I can't even get likes on instagram..." First off, please don't put your confidence in the hands of social media. Your love or belief in yourself should never come from the amount of followers, likes or shares that you receive. Social media was designed to be fun , not torture. Also, if you feel fly & you own whatever you are wearing or doing you will shine! That glow will always reign over a few social media likes. 

    Word to the wise: hold onto every genuine, joyful, encouraging person that you come across. The unfortunate reality is that this generation is full of people driven by money, status, celebrity, keyboard internet courage, pride and ego. As a result, joyful souls are few and far between. Be very mindful and aware of the energy that you release and the energy that you entertain. & believe in the power of you! 

Africa In America; A blank canvas

I'm bare
White
Black
Unfinished
Plain
Unnoticed & Unimportant
Can you fix me?
Do you think that some strokes of red
Hues of turquoise
And brushes of black can regenerate the pain that emerges everyday that I breathe?
Can you heal me?
Are you prepared to listen to the stories of the things that make me jump in the darkest of night?
I'm hurting
I'm in despair
I'm confused
I believe that Tawana told the truth
That Cosby is a strategy distraction
& that Trayvon deserved to experience the rest of his youth
Can you fix me?
Paint a smile on my tear stained face
Mold me a heart that won't break
Take away each strand of anger
It burns!
It hurts to exist
To inhale
To live
Can you fix me?
My screams have been stifled
My hands have been restrained 
My body has been attacked
My ethnicity is consistently trying to be discredited 
Can you fix me?
Understand but don't judge
Love me even when I don't deserve it
Teach me how to heal instead of hurt
Please!
Provide for me an outlet of consistent rejuvenation
I'm bleeding from the inside out
Don't you see?
This is not conventional warfare
My soul is exploding onto this canvas
These aren't just pieces
These aren't just words
I'm sharing with you a major part of me
Cut me from a different cloth and stitch me back together whole again
Are you listening?
Will anybody?
Can anybody?
Fix me.

Thirsty; Can I get a refill?

I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
The juices invaded my conscious
& made a bed on my insides
Maybe I should have started with a sip
Instead I took a gulp
I find it hard to say
To convince
To convey
That I'm alright
My eyes have witnessed the consequences that erupted when people fought GOD's will
My lips have tasted the fruit that grew from the forbidden tree
& believe it or not, it enlightened me
Again, I was thirsty so I drunk from your glass
This time I slowly sipped
I never noticed the detail of the design until my fingers were forced to clench it
The details brought my mind to travel through the canals of my lifetime
Bittersweet memories were rekindled from dusty note to selfs
I took another sip to ease the fire of my desires
I remember you
The genuine
The fragile
The strong
Our relationship evaporated my worries
You quenched my thirst
Our bond was just like this liquid
Cleansing
Nurturing
& Organic
I would ask for a refill 
Another opportunity
Another chance
Another brief moment
I wish that I could rearrange our history
Wind time back to an instant
An instant where I was I 
You were you
& just like this liquid we nurtured each others innocence
A taste
A spot
A piece
I just want you around
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty so I drank from your glass
I was thirsty...

Love?

So, I was having a conversation with my mentor early this afternoon. What began as a career discussion morphed into dialogue about relationships. It was at that point that I realized I have never fallen in love. Granted, I have had my share of experiences and situationships. However for me, love has never been a factor.  I have never been offered the support that I want or even needed. Instead I was given the leftovers of a broken vessel that refused to open up themselves for healing and reflection. As I look back I realize that I fell in love with moments. The way she rubbed my back to get my attention. The time she relied on the fact that I was ticklish to win an argument. Or  when she exhaled and whispered " hold me tighter". Those memories always come wrapped in smiles when I think of them. They are dog eared in the pages of my mind.

After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time.  There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or   "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.

Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said  "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.

Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break? 

Equality; The Other Forbidden Fruit

I spent the summer of 2015 traveling, learning & working on the continent of Africa. Here's one of my journal posts regarding my experiences in July during Ramadan. Enjoy!

                                                  Equality; The Other Forbidden Fruit 

I remember when I was a child and the Rwanda genocide was first creating steam. Many media outlets were placing pressure on universities as well as companies who had financial investments in that region of Africa. I didn’t learn about it in a traditional way. Instead a television episode of A Different World introduced it to me. I was angry that so many people with the same ethnicity resorted to violence (and ultimately murder) as an immediate resolution to solve their problem. I was also angry that people from America didn’t seem to feel as passionately about the genocide as I did as a child. Fast forward to present day, I am a variety pack of feelings as I look around and the weight of physically being in Africa settles in. There are virtually a gazillion thoughts running through my mind because I keep wondering what can I do and how can I concretely create change…

For me these thoughts arrive in waves. Taking a casual walk through town you can clearly spot several similarities as well as differences from our society in New York to the people of Tanzania. Women, girls in particular; are often expected to stifle their individual voice. In New York, it is very common to see girls illustrate their sexuality through their clothing. They communicate messages through how little or even how form fitted their garments are. Here, even if you wanted to communicate that way it would never be accepted or allowed. Currently, many people are observing Ramadan and even the prostitutes or sex workers are dressed in traditional hijabs and respectful garments. I find it very intriguing how much more respectful people can be in town here. Another fact that has sparked my interest is the traffic here. Women have the opportunity to ride bikes but they choose not to. Instead, they are driven around on piki piki’s (motor scooters) and sit on the back with their legs together and their purse in their lap. Surprisngly, they manage to keep their back straight and everything in place. Women in New York cling around their motorcycle driver when riding.

Although it may not be initially apparent, women are the gems of this society. When we broke into teams for the cultural cooking lesson we got an opportunity to spend the bulk of our day with the “mama” of the home. I observed her sew, help us prepare a three course meal from scratch, iron, manually light the coal fire, nurse her ten month old niece and bathe her toddler. Her high level of multitasking made me appreciate my own mother’s sacrifice. It also showed me that the nucleus of this society (similar to New York) is a strong invested mother. The “mamas” or the “matriarchs” of the family ensure safety and also provide a standard for their household. There’s power in their approval. In the reverse, there’s power in their disapproval. 

My experience in the household also gave me hope for the girls of Utaani. These girls may not have as much of a variety of opportunities as women in other parts of the world; but they have a yearning desire to learn. They are sharp, witty but also very inquisitive. There’s genuine discipline in their willingness to respect the cultural standards of this community. There’s incredible power in the reality that one day they will be as respected as the “mamas” that raise and sacrifice for them. My experience thus far has concretely illustrated for me that it is not our abilities that show who we truly are, it is the power of our choices that define our character.