Verbal Intimacy (unfinished)

Spark conversations quicker than a matchbox

You ignite my senses without even taking a look

You erect me 

You perfect me
You soothe me
Your consideration pursues me

To provide me with verbal intimacy

We talk about everything from applesauce to african apartheid

Jumping from who framed roger rabbit to what about tears when I’m happy

I close my eyes 

& allow my body language to speak to you in a zillion different tongues

Sandalwood tickles my nose 

As your verbal intimacy keeps me dancing on my toes

It was easy for me not to worry about me because I believed that other people didn’t care

Until I realized that you begin to stare

Into my soul

& you looked me into my eyes and asked 
Are you hungry?

Me?

I looked to my left & my right

& then landed my eyes back on you

You hadn’t even blinked

I said
Yeah
I can eat

You replied with a smooth 
Let me feed you

& that you did

I ended every situationship with every around the way girl who was wrapped in eye candy & cheap costume jewelery 

In an effort to feast on your soul food

Traded their twerking for tradition
Ignored all of my inhibition 
& fell

I’ll tell you now

I followed Anita Baker’s lead & I’m taking a vow 

To continue giving you the best that I got
Truth be told
Sometimes I don't like you
You become distant when you're scared
Defensive when you feel lonely
Angry when you're hungry
& 
Cranky when the world has gulped the last ounce of your energy away
It's terrifying to think that as you are loving hard
The person on the other end may feel you're doing too much
Or smothering them
I will always value your vulnerability
Without treating it like a disability...

If This Isn't Love... (work in progress)

Have you ever been in love?

Love that shines a light into the deepest depths of your insecurity

Love that asks you to strip

Not your clothes but to keep your heart, spirit and goals exposed

A love that is so powerful that you can’t even find the words to explain it

All you can do is stare into their eyes 

Shake your head 

& ask GOD to keep you still so that you don’t mess this blessing up

I told myself that I would stop watering myself down

That I would not stifle myself in any efforts to be noticed 

or seen

or appreciated 

I decided to become the sunflower that regardless of anything I wouldn’t stifle their growth

or my sanity

& then the most beautiful thing happened

Love showed me their scars

Love introduced me to the loneliness

The pain

The extended laughter

& the stormy rain

Love looked me in my face & said 

“ I don’t expect you to stay, everybody else has already left…”

I actively listened like a child to their favorite bedtime story

I grabbed love by the hand

Laid my head on love’s chest and stayed there until the beat of love’s racing heart slowly calmed

Love whispered to me 

Softly

I read the chapters of your story that you don’t want to read aloud, not to shame you but to show you that I am here to protect your weakness

Then love asked me to promise not to bruise love in an attempt to heal myself…

Press Play...

 

I inhale and I can still smell you on my lips
Is this a dream?
The scent lingers and triggers  memories of laughter
Memories of healing
Experiences of elaborate ectasy
Your face flashes through my mind like it's going out of style
Let me rewind
Let's go back to the beginning when I was too shy to shine a spotlight your way
I watched you as you stood in the center of the afternoon sunlight
Whispering to myself I asked GOD to ease my heart as it drummed through my chest
My pulse raced and I arranged my feelings into formation
I kept my ray bans on to hide my admiration
That afternoon, we talked topics ranging from African apartheid to ratchet reality TV
I clung to your every word like a caterpillar afraid to shed from the cocoon
Is this a dream?
Fast forward to the time you let me take a tour of your scars
I traced them with my thumb like I was looking for directions on an MTA map
Carefully, I listened as you took off your cool to introduce me to your insecurities
Let's pause on the part where you got teary eyed as you stumbled to say
I love you
Is this a dream?
Yo! I'm sorry I'm late
I'm sorry that I initially allowed you to push me away
Instead I should have held you
& reminded you that you are the last slither of air that I need before I drown
As a matter of fact, I did drown
In your eyes
As corny as it sounds, I value your verbal intimacy
Is this a dream?
I was never looking for love
You provided me with loyalty
I never needed to second guess your word
You trusted me with your heart
I looked for respect
& you adjusted my crown
I got on my knees & cried out

GOD!
I'm terrified to let this guard down, I need you to show up and if this is your will you build a foundation that neither of us can ignore
Immediately, before I can seal it with an amen, you text me
Telling me that you want to start over
You told me that your heart won't let you let go this easily
Now
Let's press play
As we keep the pace & allow our love story to be written organically
Here's my hand, this time you lead.

Let No One Stop Your Growth...

It's 2016, we all have a smart phone or an apple device. You know when you try to capture a new photo on your phone & you get the not enough storage screen pop up? or the storage almost full notifications? That's an indicator to us that our screenshots, & messages, & music & whatever else; has taken up so much space that we can't absorb anything new. Our phone gives us signs to let us know that it's time to let things go. Why are we so quick to delete things & threads from our devices but not our minds, spirits or hearts? Literally our phones are teaching us that the more stuff we hold onto the less new blessings & new GOOD memories we can receive.

I went through my screenshots this morning. I had memes, hop-stop directions & a whole bunch of other crap that I haven't even needed to keep. It was just there taking up space, and slowing down my phone. It made me realize that I need to apply this same concept to my life. There are certain things that we need to let go of simply because the weight of carrying it has become too heavy. We literally beg the universe for signs that we aren't ready to see. & instead of addressing these loads and unpacking, we carry them into our next relationship. We bring them along with us to work. We keep them draped around our shoulders as we study, and it haunts us as we try to sleep at night. We either make ourselves miserable & full of regret or we build ourselves up to be strong. The amount of investment and work is the same. Choose wisely.

Here's a piece of advice, we can buy those yeezy's, we can slip into those red bottoms; but regardless of whats on your feet, running away from your problems is a race that you will NEVER win. Sometimes we have to stop avoiding the pain. As long as you are actively growing, get comfortable in the fact that not everyone will be going to the next level with you. For me, once I made the decision to love myself I realized that the levels of my relationships with everyone changed. I developed a newfound respect for positive energies and I started valuing selflessness. I believe that GOD blesses the individuals who have taken a gulp from the cup of sorrow in an effort to avoid making others taste it.

Romantically, we forget that what isn't resolved or healed as we are single; will spread like a cancer as we are together. We have to heal individually before we commit to sharing our energy with anyone; hurt people, hurt people.

Your 20's are undoubtedly some of the roughest years of your life. You realize that you are too old to be wasting time but also too young to be attached to things and people that drain you. Regardless of where you are at this very moment in your life, embrace & celebrate it. What you're experiencing is either a product of your previous growth or leading you to help you grow. Everyday theres a new decision to be made that molds your future. I'm just going to say it bluntly; your 20's need to be your years of undeniable growth and self indulgence. You have to learn how to stop feeding the people who only come to "support" you to grab a plate and leave.

Be patient with yourself and trust in every aspect of your journey. Create a balance; Love. Heal. Grow.

P.S. It isn't your job or responsibility to wake up anyone who's sleeping on you.

Elle Varner; A Lyrical Genius...

I'm not sure when it happened but celebrities being a one trick pony has been a common trend. There is no originality, there is no attention to detail, there is no fire. In 2016 there are several musical artists that skipped the stage presence classes in performing arts school and it is more entertaining to watch paint dry in your kitchen than to see them "perform".

Elle Varner, is not one of those artists!

Instead, Elle performs from the top of her head all the way down to her perfectly imperfect toes. To see her perform, is an electrifying experience. On Friday (January 29) I had the pleasure of a second row seat to witness her magic. Let's begin from the top. Elle graced the stage in a two piece silver & gray turtle neck bodysuit. The outfit was a great choice as it reflected every shimmer of light that gleamed off. In no uncertain terms, Elle looked radiant. She joked " Am I giving you the late great David Bowie? With a little Diana? & (a lot) of Elle Varner?" Her curls loosely sat like a well sculpted lionesses mane. From the moment that she stepped foot onto the BB Kings stage (here in New York City) she owned that venue.

Elle delivered a well rehearsed, well executed, performance. Elle's voice can only be compared to a bluebird singing your favorite lullaby. She uses that vocal instrument at octaves I have only dreamt of. Every note, every word, every emotion is calculated and organically felt. Elle's debut album peaked at number four on the US Billboard Hot 200 upon its release in 2012. Elle has an amazing ability to fuse Jazz falsetto, Rock , and R&B. Her lyrics will tug at your heart strings and from a man's perspective; make you want to drive over to that girl who's heart you broke and crazy glue it back together. 

Elle performed all of her original music from the debut album and introduced to the world a few brand spanking new unreleased tracks. My personal favorite was entitled "Read Me Down". Which is a playful metaphor about the first (or the most passionate) relationship between two people. The beauty of the lyrics is the juxtaposition between chapters of vulnerability and intimacy. Elle cleverly combined making love with expressing to your partner the chapters of your story that you normally don't read aloud. In case i'm being unclear; Elle is a lyrical genius. She takes every element of heartache, joy, suffering but also healing and wraps it in the lace of forgiveness. 

"From Beyoncè to Lauryn Hill" were the words that she said to us as she sat on a stool and tickled the strings of her guitar. There, she gave our ears an orgasm as we all hung off of her every word. Elle's showmanship was illustrated throughout her entire set. What impressed me was the way that she casually directed her musicians. She subtly would cue them to speed up or slow down their pace as she wanted to tell us just the right story. 

Elle also took advantage of every opportunity to engage with the crowd. She grabbed several cell phones and recorded snapchat videos as she was singing. Elle held hands, blew kisses and consoled an audience member as she cried. Once she finished, Elle returned for a encore performance to belt out another ballad. With her chin tilted upward, and her smile as bright as the sunlight, she whispered "Thank you so much". & just like that Elle concluded a picture-perfect performance. 

As luck would have it, I ended up backstage with her cousins, Dad, NYU friends/alumni and herself. With a quick outfit change, she stood there warmly smiling and holding conversations with everyone. I realized then that what I witnessed on stage was a slice of her actual humility. Elle's spirit is genuinely beautiful. Elle was patient with everyone there and cracked jokes as she hugged and thanked whoever was around (me included).  

Thank you Elle, for sharing your heart with us. I look forward to seeing where you journey to next.          

You down to...?

        For whatever reason a lot of the people around me tend to feel comfortable enough to openly talk with me. I appreciate that but I noticed recently that too many people suffer from allowing their insecurities or their haters to shape their views of themselves. So this is an open conversation to all of us & I pose the questions, You down to believe in the power of you?

       "I ... Don't ... feel... anything." This statement fractured my heart. For a beautiful, articulate, family orientated young woman with a career to say she hasn't felt in years is scary. Without putting all of her business in the street, she had been apart of an intense relationship that she thought would lead down the road to marriage. They were childhood friends. They flirted throughout most of high school and finally committed to each other the summer before college. What led to their breakup was they loved with different love languages. He wanted arm candy while she wanted lifelong soul food. Needless to say she gave him all her power and when he broke up with her she felt bent into painful shapes. 

     For anyone out there that's experiencing a break up or grieving (because they can't go a day without thinking about them), understand that making the choice to become numb or to avoid your feelings is giving that other person power over your life. The best way to heal is to release the negative feelings and realize that you cannot erase the memories or delete the experiences out of your life. In the words of the uber talented Alicia Keys "my soul was returned so I call it a lesson learned.." You're still alive, you're still beautiful and you're still young enough to have a new beginning on love. Take the time to invest back into your happiness and the right love partner (who speaks your love language) will walk right into your life and build with you. Don't be too lazy to look out for yourself. 

      "I feel helpless... I can't even get likes on instagram..." First off, please don't put your confidence in the hands of social media. Your love or belief in yourself should never come from the amount of followers, likes or shares that you receive. Social media was designed to be fun , not torture. Also, if you feel fly & you own whatever you are wearing or doing you will shine! That glow will always reign over a few social media likes. 

    Word to the wise: hold onto every genuine, joyful, encouraging person that you come across. The unfortunate reality is that this generation is full of people driven by money, status, celebrity, keyboard internet courage, pride and ego. As a result, joyful souls are few and far between. Be very mindful and aware of the energy that you release and the energy that you entertain. & believe in the power of you! 

Friends, How many of us have them?

Friends, How many of us have them?

I was asked, how do I define friendship? I found it to be interesting because recently a few people who I once considered friends or even chosen family have fallen from the branch of my family tree. As morbid as that sounds, they didn't die, they just decided to take their loyalty away from me. I'll be honest; initially it hurt like hell. I swear I heard Monica's "Before You Walk Out My Life" playing in my head. Then I was reminded that people are sometimes seasonal, & we have to be wise enough (regardless of the situation) to not fight the process. For this reason we have to be careful who we build memories with, they literally can & will last a lifetime. I'm going to be as transparent as possible, friendship changes daily; & whether it is for a season or for a lifetime each of us should examine our definition of who we consider to be our friends. 

A real friend will honor you as they admire you and help you escape your enemy or addictions (which come in the form of people too).  I've had "friends" who when I spoke the truth to them they couldn't handle it. Those bonds weren't real. Those friends were seasonal and circumstantial. I've also had friends that were immature and weren't on my level. Those type of bonds needed time so that either I or they could grow up and appreciate the beauty of our bond. I've also had friends that introduced me to parts of my character that I didn't realize existed. It's like they gave birth to my potential and helped me grow it into potency. 

Often we view friendship and romantic relationships through different lenses but in reality they co-exist together. They have a parent to child relationship that is universal. Friendship needs to be cultivated and should grow with time. Genuine friends (the ones who often become family and who become staples in your life) are invested in you and want to see you grow at every level of life. You get so attached to these people that your connection is unspoken. It's felt. It's honest, it's layered. It's taking the time to ask "How was your day?" & actually caring to help when they are in need. 

Sometimes (most times) we expect people to be there for us when we haven't been there for them. Any healthy relationship needs to be operating with sincere reciprocity. My Mema used to tell us that you can't receive a blessing with a closed fist. You have to open your hands & hearts to give and in turn you will receive. I admit that there have been times where I was invested in a friendship but wasn't invested in the pages of the chapters that they didn't read aloud. I had to check myself & realize that if I was going to commit to the friendship that I had to be there for their truths as well. Regardless of how uncomfortable, ugly, embarrassing or taboo I had to make a conscious effort to be willing to support them in this way.

Friendship is funny because too many times we want friends or people to be around but aren't friendly. It's necessary to ask yourself, am I being a friend or am I in a secret competition with this person? Do I love them for them or am I here because I have something to gain from being connected to them? The question remains; Friends, How many of us have them? Are them?

Love?

So, I was having a conversation with my mentor early this afternoon. What began as a career discussion morphed into dialogue about relationships. It was at that point that I realized I have never fallen in love. Granted, I have had my share of experiences and situationships. However for me, love has never been a factor.  I have never been offered the support that I want or even needed. Instead I was given the leftovers of a broken vessel that refused to open up themselves for healing and reflection. As I look back I realize that I fell in love with moments. The way she rubbed my back to get my attention. The time she relied on the fact that I was ticklish to win an argument. Or  when she exhaled and whispered " hold me tighter". Those memories always come wrapped in smiles when I think of them. They are dog eared in the pages of my mind.

After hanging up the phone I started thinking, has love never found you or have you been running from it? This pierced me like a dagger. The idea of running from love is something that I hadn't considered. I had to dig in my mental rolodex to think back at all the times I may have ran away from the meal when love was being served. Or was it that love came dressed up as lust and I was too young to care about it's validity? Lust feels like love until it's time to make a sacrifice. That is the reality. However reality can change over time.  There are too many people who get caught up in the idea that sexually desiring someone can replace actually caring for them. How many times do we confuse an orgasm or the work building up to the orgasm as " they do this because they love me" or   "if she loves me she will swallow". We release so many words from our mouth but don't realize that we sometimes say them because either it sounds good or it was what we thought should have been said.

Love is actually an action word. When you commit to the statement "I love you", we should be willing to commit to the reality that those words are loaded. They come with responsibility and many expectations that most people don't verbalize. I know for a fact that if we were more honest about love and it's weight that we would't be in such a rush to fall into it. If we bluntly said  "I am emotionally unavailable, I only want a good nut, I was bored so I'm here or I really wanted your sister but she was taken" would it be received well or would it be met with a two piece & a mean right hook? The truth is that many of us (myself included) sometimes are asked to sell a dream and to not ever give the reality of the situation. We are expected to create a fantasy and accept whatever package "love" is wrapped in.

Back to my own experience, the question remains, am I running from love? Is it possible that overtime I have grown accustomed to lacing up my nike's and sprinting whenever I get close to that threshold? I had to ask myself, if in fact in you are running when do you plan on stopping to stretch, or for a water break?