Cancer Kills Joy

Bittersweet memories dance through my mind
And I realize now that it's nothing more than a sign
I've searched for healing in these wounds
I can still hear you
Smell you
Feel you
I remember your embrace
That smile
& that artistic style
It was you who always motivated me to spread my wings
I looked forward to your letters
I valued your words
I treasured your spirit
There will never come a day
That I will ever say
That I will stop loving you
You will always be a living part of me
You had an ability to pull every inch of laughter from the inside out
You were more than my sister , you were my strength, my confidant, my friend
I have to be honest, I think of you with every breathe that I take
You are still my strength
In 1994 my heart was bent into a painful shape
The shoulda, coulda & wouldas still linger in my mind
This hasn't gotten easier with time
It's weird that in many ways the pain has made me stronger
You have defined for me what joy is
Joy isn't given through pain
Joy doesn't arrive from personal gain
Joy is rooted in unconditional love
& your life illustrated joy
Know that my heart will always beat the sound of your name
You are still my strength.

If This Isn't Love... (work in progress)

Have you ever been in love?

Love that shines a light into the deepest depths of your insecurity

Love that asks you to strip

Not your clothes but to keep your heart, spirit and goals exposed

A love that is so powerful that you can’t even find the words to explain it

All you can do is stare into their eyes 

Shake your head 

& ask GOD to keep you still so that you don’t mess this blessing up

I told myself that I would stop watering myself down

That I would not stifle myself in any efforts to be noticed 

or seen

or appreciated 

I decided to become the sunflower that regardless of anything I wouldn’t stifle their growth

or my sanity

& then the most beautiful thing happened

Love showed me their scars

Love introduced me to the loneliness

The pain

The extended laughter

& the stormy rain

Love looked me in my face & said 

“ I don’t expect you to stay, everybody else has already left…”

I actively listened like a child to their favorite bedtime story

I grabbed love by the hand

Laid my head on love’s chest and stayed there until the beat of love’s racing heart slowly calmed

Love whispered to me 

Softly

I read the chapters of your story that you don’t want to read aloud, not to shame you but to show you that I am here to protect your weakness

Then love asked me to promise not to bruise love in an attempt to heal myself…

Press Play...

 

I inhale and I can still smell you on my lips
Is this a dream?
The scent lingers and triggers  memories of laughter
Memories of healing
Experiences of elaborate ectasy
Your face flashes through my mind like it's going out of style
Let me rewind
Let's go back to the beginning when I was too shy to shine a spotlight your way
I watched you as you stood in the center of the afternoon sunlight
Whispering to myself I asked GOD to ease my heart as it drummed through my chest
My pulse raced and I arranged my feelings into formation
I kept my ray bans on to hide my admiration
That afternoon, we talked topics ranging from African apartheid to ratchet reality TV
I clung to your every word like a caterpillar afraid to shed from the cocoon
Is this a dream?
Fast forward to the time you let me take a tour of your scars
I traced them with my thumb like I was looking for directions on an MTA map
Carefully, I listened as you took off your cool to introduce me to your insecurities
Let's pause on the part where you got teary eyed as you stumbled to say
I love you
Is this a dream?
Yo! I'm sorry I'm late
I'm sorry that I initially allowed you to push me away
Instead I should have held you
& reminded you that you are the last slither of air that I need before I drown
As a matter of fact, I did drown
In your eyes
As corny as it sounds, I value your verbal intimacy
Is this a dream?
I was never looking for love
You provided me with loyalty
I never needed to second guess your word
You trusted me with your heart
I looked for respect
& you adjusted my crown
I got on my knees & cried out

GOD!
I'm terrified to let this guard down, I need you to show up and if this is your will you build a foundation that neither of us can ignore
Immediately, before I can seal it with an amen, you text me
Telling me that you want to start over
You told me that your heart won't let you let go this easily
Now
Let's press play
As we keep the pace & allow our love story to be written organically
Here's my hand, this time you lead.

YOU.

                                                                                                                                               

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we could be

There are hunger pains in my belly that crave your unavailability

The fact that your love is injected in small doses

Gives me an opportunity to ignore

My pain

My brokenness

& it refills my shattered spirit just enough for me to function

You are the place that my mind travels to as it wanders

The destination that it reaches when I need a break from my rough reality

You’re the last breath that I let escape before I drown

This love is stronger than just me wanting you around

More than I could have even anticipated

I pray for you harder than I have ever prayed for myself

This is getting expensive

For how much longer can you penny, nickel or dime your worth?

3 month flirty flings and temporarily serious situationships don’t quench my thirst

I’m a lover

A fighter

An investor

I get attached to the cracks in your character & cover them like a scar until they heal

Give me a few shots of you

Straight with no chaser

Let your juices moisten my palate

& Dance on my tongue

There’s nothing that I want from you, but you

Your Russell Stover chocolate complexion

Your cabernet sauvignon stained lips

Your face; to turn the corners of your mouth into numerous smiles

You can’t see this because you’re blinded by everyone you’ve ever wanted wanting something from you

You are my goal

My sunshine that illuminates the shadiest shadows

Decisions to make

Lessons to learn

This feels like suicide

& maybe it is

To effectively build something stronger you have to destroy everything that was in the way

Maybe I am making the choice to kill the parts of me that would bruise you

My ego

My pride

My fears

I want another season of love

A lifetime of waking you up with the smell of whatever your indecisive nose wants for breakfast

I want you

I want to kiss the creases of your lower back

Lick the worries of the day from the inside of your thighs

& hold you tightly until you exhale

I want us to argue

& agree to disagree over our differences but never let anything weaken our bond

I respect you

I will forever invest in your dreams & value your vulnerability

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we WILL be

There are motion pictures that play in my mind

Scenes of us getting caught up during a game of tickle torture

Images of rocking chairs, flashes of faith, screenshots of our success
I would rather live in your world, than be without you in mine

You are my goal.  

Let No One Stop Your Growth...

It's 2016, we all have a smart phone or an apple device. You know when you try to capture a new photo on your phone & you get the not enough storage screen pop up? or the storage almost full notifications? That's an indicator to us that our screenshots, & messages, & music & whatever else; has taken up so much space that we can't absorb anything new. Our phone gives us signs to let us know that it's time to let things go. Why are we so quick to delete things & threads from our devices but not our minds, spirits or hearts? Literally our phones are teaching us that the more stuff we hold onto the less new blessings & new GOOD memories we can receive.

I went through my screenshots this morning. I had memes, hop-stop directions & a whole bunch of other crap that I haven't even needed to keep. It was just there taking up space, and slowing down my phone. It made me realize that I need to apply this same concept to my life. There are certain things that we need to let go of simply because the weight of carrying it has become too heavy. We literally beg the universe for signs that we aren't ready to see. & instead of addressing these loads and unpacking, we carry them into our next relationship. We bring them along with us to work. We keep them draped around our shoulders as we study, and it haunts us as we try to sleep at night. We either make ourselves miserable & full of regret or we build ourselves up to be strong. The amount of investment and work is the same. Choose wisely.

Here's a piece of advice, we can buy those yeezy's, we can slip into those red bottoms; but regardless of whats on your feet, running away from your problems is a race that you will NEVER win. Sometimes we have to stop avoiding the pain. As long as you are actively growing, get comfortable in the fact that not everyone will be going to the next level with you. For me, once I made the decision to love myself I realized that the levels of my relationships with everyone changed. I developed a newfound respect for positive energies and I started valuing selflessness. I believe that GOD blesses the individuals who have taken a gulp from the cup of sorrow in an effort to avoid making others taste it.

Romantically, we forget that what isn't resolved or healed as we are single; will spread like a cancer as we are together. We have to heal individually before we commit to sharing our energy with anyone; hurt people, hurt people.

Your 20's are undoubtedly some of the roughest years of your life. You realize that you are too old to be wasting time but also too young to be attached to things and people that drain you. Regardless of where you are at this very moment in your life, embrace & celebrate it. What you're experiencing is either a product of your previous growth or leading you to help you grow. Everyday theres a new decision to be made that molds your future. I'm just going to say it bluntly; your 20's need to be your years of undeniable growth and self indulgence. You have to learn how to stop feeding the people who only come to "support" you to grab a plate and leave.

Be patient with yourself and trust in every aspect of your journey. Create a balance; Love. Heal. Grow.

P.S. It isn't your job or responsibility to wake up anyone who's sleeping on you.