Are you listening?

GOD

It’s me

I know it’s late but I need to talk with you

Lately it’s been hurting to inhale 

I can’t stop feeling like I am trapped in this emotional jail

I keep thinking

I should have came to you before I started sinking

But please

Hear my call

It hurts

The memories pierce my mind like an arrow and insult my self esteem

Have you stopped listening to me?

Have I reached the threshold of forgiveness an strayed too far away?

If so, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry

Please don’t misunderstand me, it feels incredible to make it this far

Only you & I truly know the depth of my testimony and I cannot thank you enough for my life

But 

Please

Hear my call

It hurts...

The Morning After

I woke up to you this morning 

It had been the first time 

In a long time

That I felt your heart beating in the palm of my hands

Your scent, rested on my upper lip

Our bodies were wrapped together

Like the most anticipated CHRISTmas present

Our feet

Formed the perfectly imperfect puzzle pieces of a love jones story

I

I woke up to you this morning 

The heat from your fingertips ignited a fire that began in my belly button

Quickly traveled to my toes

Erected my emotions 

As I exhaled and smoke escaped from my nose

I woke up to you this morning

The casual combination of champagne mixed with the natural scent of your morning breath swaddled me like the smoke from my inscents 

Your body communicated morse code messages that the words from your mouth never have 

I woke up to you this morning 

My hands massaged every beauty mark like I was reading a textbook in brail 

We have been through so much 

Our story is incredibly layered

Yet when your nails pinched the skin on my back 

I was reminded that you're still scared to lose me

I woke up to you this morning

The shining superstar that is always featured in my dreams 

The vitamin E oil that nourishes my skin

The water that quenched my thirst

My peace in this mahogany universe that was stolen by a Trump

I woke up to you this morning 

Topped off my year at ease and with a purpose

I woke up to you this morning

Now I have one question

Can I walk with you ?

Not ahead of you

Not behind you 

But with you 

This right here

This right now

Is all that matters to me

I woke up to you this morning 

​

Cancer Kills Joy

Bittersweet memories dance through my mind
And I realize now that it's nothing more than a sign
I've searched for healing in these wounds
I can still hear you
Smell you
Feel you
I remember your embrace
That smile
& that artistic style
It was you who always motivated me to spread my wings
I looked forward to your letters
I valued your words
I treasured your spirit
There will never come a day
That I will ever say
That I will stop loving you
You will always be a living part of me
You had an ability to pull every inch of laughter from the inside out
You were more than my sister , you were my strength, my confidant, my friend
I have to be honest, I think of you with every breathe that I take
You are still my strength
In 1994 my heart was bent into a painful shape
The shoulda, coulda & wouldas still linger in my mind
This hasn't gotten easier with time
It's weird that in many ways the pain has made me stronger
You have defined for me what joy is
Joy isn't given through pain
Joy doesn't arrive from personal gain
Joy is rooted in unconditional love
& your life illustrated joy
Know that my heart will always beat the sound of your name
You are still my strength.

Verbal Intimacy (unfinished)

Spark conversations quicker than a matchbox

You ignite my senses without even taking a look

You erect me 

You perfect me
You soothe me
Your consideration pursues me

To provide me with verbal intimacy

We talk about everything from applesauce to african apartheid

Jumping from who framed roger rabbit to what about tears when I’m happy

I close my eyes 

& allow my body language to speak to you in a zillion different tongues

Sandalwood tickles my nose 

As your verbal intimacy keeps me dancing on my toes

It was easy for me not to worry about me because I believed that other people didn’t care

Until I realized that you begin to stare

Into my soul

& you looked me into my eyes and asked 
Are you hungry?

Me?

I looked to my left & my right

& then landed my eyes back on you

You hadn’t even blinked

I said
Yeah
I can eat

You replied with a smooth 
Let me feed you

& that you did

I ended every situationship with every around the way girl who was wrapped in eye candy & cheap costume jewelery 

In an effort to feast on your soul food

Traded their twerking for tradition
Ignored all of my inhibition 
& fell

I’ll tell you now

I followed Anita Baker’s lead & I’m taking a vow 

To continue giving you the best that I got
Truth be told
Sometimes I don't like you
You become distant when you're scared
Defensive when you feel lonely
Angry when you're hungry
& 
Cranky when the world has gulped the last ounce of your energy away
It's terrifying to think that as you are loving hard
The person on the other end may feel you're doing too much
Or smothering them
I will always value your vulnerability
Without treating it like a disability...

If This Isn't Love... (work in progress)

Have you ever been in love?

Love that shines a light into the deepest depths of your insecurity

Love that asks you to strip

Not your clothes but to keep your heart, spirit and goals exposed

A love that is so powerful that you can’t even find the words to explain it

All you can do is stare into their eyes 

Shake your head 

& ask GOD to keep you still so that you don’t mess this blessing up

I told myself that I would stop watering myself down

That I would not stifle myself in any efforts to be noticed 

or seen

or appreciated 

I decided to become the sunflower that regardless of anything I wouldn’t stifle their growth

or my sanity

& then the most beautiful thing happened

Love showed me their scars

Love introduced me to the loneliness

The pain

The extended laughter

& the stormy rain

Love looked me in my face & said 

“ I don’t expect you to stay, everybody else has already left…”

I actively listened like a child to their favorite bedtime story

I grabbed love by the hand

Laid my head on love’s chest and stayed there until the beat of love’s racing heart slowly calmed

Love whispered to me 

Softly

I read the chapters of your story that you don’t want to read aloud, not to shame you but to show you that I am here to protect your weakness

Then love asked me to promise not to bruise love in an attempt to heal myself…

Press Play...

 

I inhale and I can still smell you on my lips
Is this a dream?
The scent lingers and triggers  memories of laughter
Memories of healing
Experiences of elaborate ectasy
Your face flashes through my mind like it's going out of style
Let me rewind
Let's go back to the beginning when I was too shy to shine a spotlight your way
I watched you as you stood in the center of the afternoon sunlight
Whispering to myself I asked GOD to ease my heart as it drummed through my chest
My pulse raced and I arranged my feelings into formation
I kept my ray bans on to hide my admiration
That afternoon, we talked topics ranging from African apartheid to ratchet reality TV
I clung to your every word like a caterpillar afraid to shed from the cocoon
Is this a dream?
Fast forward to the time you let me take a tour of your scars
I traced them with my thumb like I was looking for directions on an MTA map
Carefully, I listened as you took off your cool to introduce me to your insecurities
Let's pause on the part where you got teary eyed as you stumbled to say
I love you
Is this a dream?
Yo! I'm sorry I'm late
I'm sorry that I initially allowed you to push me away
Instead I should have held you
& reminded you that you are the last slither of air that I need before I drown
As a matter of fact, I did drown
In your eyes
As corny as it sounds, I value your verbal intimacy
Is this a dream?
I was never looking for love
You provided me with loyalty
I never needed to second guess your word
You trusted me with your heart
I looked for respect
& you adjusted my crown
I got on my knees & cried out

GOD!
I'm terrified to let this guard down, I need you to show up and if this is your will you build a foundation that neither of us can ignore
Immediately, before I can seal it with an amen, you text me
Telling me that you want to start over
You told me that your heart won't let you let go this easily
Now
Let's press play
As we keep the pace & allow our love story to be written organically
Here's my hand, this time you lead.

YOU.

                                                                                                                                               

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we could be

There are hunger pains in my belly that crave your unavailability

The fact that your love is injected in small doses

Gives me an opportunity to ignore

My pain

My brokenness

& it refills my shattered spirit just enough for me to function

You are the place that my mind travels to as it wanders

The destination that it reaches when I need a break from my rough reality

You’re the last breath that I let escape before I drown

This love is stronger than just me wanting you around

More than I could have even anticipated

I pray for you harder than I have ever prayed for myself

This is getting expensive

For how much longer can you penny, nickel or dime your worth?

3 month flirty flings and temporarily serious situationships don’t quench my thirst

I’m a lover

A fighter

An investor

I get attached to the cracks in your character & cover them like a scar until they heal

Give me a few shots of you

Straight with no chaser

Let your juices moisten my palate

& Dance on my tongue

There’s nothing that I want from you, but you

Your Russell Stover chocolate complexion

Your cabernet sauvignon stained lips

Your face; to turn the corners of your mouth into numerous smiles

You can’t see this because you’re blinded by everyone you’ve ever wanted wanting something from you

You are my goal

My sunshine that illuminates the shadiest shadows

Decisions to make

Lessons to learn

This feels like suicide

& maybe it is

To effectively build something stronger you have to destroy everything that was in the way

Maybe I am making the choice to kill the parts of me that would bruise you

My ego

My pride

My fears

I want another season of love

A lifetime of waking you up with the smell of whatever your indecisive nose wants for breakfast

I want you

I want to kiss the creases of your lower back

Lick the worries of the day from the inside of your thighs

& hold you tightly until you exhale

I want us to argue

& agree to disagree over our differences but never let anything weaken our bond

I respect you

I will forever invest in your dreams & value your vulnerability

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we WILL be

There are motion pictures that play in my mind

Scenes of us getting caught up during a game of tickle torture

Images of rocking chairs, flashes of faith, screenshots of our success
I would rather live in your world, than be without you in mine

You are my goal.