YOU.

                                                                                                                                               

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we could be

There are hunger pains in my belly that crave your unavailability

The fact that your love is injected in small doses

Gives me an opportunity to ignore

My pain

My brokenness

& it refills my shattered spirit just enough for me to function

You are the place that my mind travels to as it wanders

The destination that it reaches when I need a break from my rough reality

You’re the last breath that I let escape before I drown

This love is stronger than just me wanting you around

More than I could have even anticipated

I pray for you harder than I have ever prayed for myself

This is getting expensive

For how much longer can you penny, nickel or dime your worth?

3 month flirty flings and temporarily serious situationships don’t quench my thirst

I’m a lover

A fighter

An investor

I get attached to the cracks in your character & cover them like a scar until they heal

Give me a few shots of you

Straight with no chaser

Let your juices moisten my palate

& Dance on my tongue

There’s nothing that I want from you, but you

Your Russell Stover chocolate complexion

Your cabernet sauvignon stained lips

Your face; to turn the corners of your mouth into numerous smiles

You can’t see this because you’re blinded by everyone you’ve ever wanted wanting something from you

You are my goal

My sunshine that illuminates the shadiest shadows

Decisions to make

Lessons to learn

This feels like suicide

& maybe it is

To effectively build something stronger you have to destroy everything that was in the way

Maybe I am making the choice to kill the parts of me that would bruise you

My ego

My pride

My fears

I want another season of love

A lifetime of waking you up with the smell of whatever your indecisive nose wants for breakfast

I want you

I want to kiss the creases of your lower back

Lick the worries of the day from the inside of your thighs

& hold you tightly until you exhale

I want us to argue

& agree to disagree over our differences but never let anything weaken our bond

I respect you

I will forever invest in your dreams & value your vulnerability

I have a crush on our potential

I’m smitten by our possibility

Everyday I literally trip on how happy we WILL be

There are motion pictures that play in my mind

Scenes of us getting caught up during a game of tickle torture

Images of rocking chairs, flashes of faith, screenshots of our success
I would rather live in your world, than be without you in mine

You are my goal.  

Let No One Stop Your Growth...

It's 2016, we all have a smart phone or an apple device. You know when you try to capture a new photo on your phone & you get the not enough storage screen pop up? or the storage almost full notifications? That's an indicator to us that our screenshots, & messages, & music & whatever else; has taken up so much space that we can't absorb anything new. Our phone gives us signs to let us know that it's time to let things go. Why are we so quick to delete things & threads from our devices but not our minds, spirits or hearts? Literally our phones are teaching us that the more stuff we hold onto the less new blessings & new GOOD memories we can receive.

I went through my screenshots this morning. I had memes, hop-stop directions & a whole bunch of other crap that I haven't even needed to keep. It was just there taking up space, and slowing down my phone. It made me realize that I need to apply this same concept to my life. There are certain things that we need to let go of simply because the weight of carrying it has become too heavy. We literally beg the universe for signs that we aren't ready to see. & instead of addressing these loads and unpacking, we carry them into our next relationship. We bring them along with us to work. We keep them draped around our shoulders as we study, and it haunts us as we try to sleep at night. We either make ourselves miserable & full of regret or we build ourselves up to be strong. The amount of investment and work is the same. Choose wisely.

Here's a piece of advice, we can buy those yeezy's, we can slip into those red bottoms; but regardless of whats on your feet, running away from your problems is a race that you will NEVER win. Sometimes we have to stop avoiding the pain. As long as you are actively growing, get comfortable in the fact that not everyone will be going to the next level with you. For me, once I made the decision to love myself I realized that the levels of my relationships with everyone changed. I developed a newfound respect for positive energies and I started valuing selflessness. I believe that GOD blesses the individuals who have taken a gulp from the cup of sorrow in an effort to avoid making others taste it.

Romantically, we forget that what isn't resolved or healed as we are single; will spread like a cancer as we are together. We have to heal individually before we commit to sharing our energy with anyone; hurt people, hurt people.

Your 20's are undoubtedly some of the roughest years of your life. You realize that you are too old to be wasting time but also too young to be attached to things and people that drain you. Regardless of where you are at this very moment in your life, embrace & celebrate it. What you're experiencing is either a product of your previous growth or leading you to help you grow. Everyday theres a new decision to be made that molds your future. I'm just going to say it bluntly; your 20's need to be your years of undeniable growth and self indulgence. You have to learn how to stop feeding the people who only come to "support" you to grab a plate and leave.

Be patient with yourself and trust in every aspect of your journey. Create a balance; Love. Heal. Grow.

P.S. It isn't your job or responsibility to wake up anyone who's sleeping on you.

All. The. Feelings; Farewell Cravings for Unavailability...

So, I went out to a poetry cafe Saturday evening with my cousin & one of my close friends from college. Poetry has always been a major key in my life. It's a form of release & I enjoy being invited into other people's minds as I hear their feelings. If you're in the LES neighborhood I highly recommend checking out the Nuyorican. It will give you a well needed break from the routine of your work week & I guarantee you'll leave feeling inspired. The daily events are listed on their website & the cover ranges from $10-13. Pick which event you like from the options, arrive early to grab a seat & there you have the recipe for a calm Saturday turn up!

True to form, during our conversation before & in between acts; my love life (or the lack thereof) took center stage. Before I go into detail, let me just say that I wear my emotions on my face. So if you're close enough to me or are actively paying attention ; you know just how to gage what thoughts are running through my mind by looking at my expression. With that being said, these two are the mirrors that I couldn't avoid (even if I wanted to). Their love for me literally cuts me wide open & it keeps me in check. If you're reading this (& you better be, thank you for your investments in my life). They saw that something was heavy on my mind & knew who the culprit was; myself.

I couldn't stop hearing their words ring through my ears. "You're a catch, you're not crazy, you're intelligent, and why do you choose to make limited decisions regarding your heart..." As it turns out, somewhere along the way to accomplishing my goals; I put my heart on the shelf. I deliberately "fell" into situationships that were dumb but that gave me a fixed outcome. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what I was doing. The truth is, I began to crave the unavailability. I'm not sure how but I have an ability to be talked to about any & everything. I have a very emphatic spirit so there are very few things that I can't understand. A lot of women in particular vent to me & a few of them have fallen in love with me.

I knew from our friendship prior to us becoming romantic or intimate that they were either emotionally unavailable or used my attention as a crutch. I filled a void for them & I allowed myself to get involved with them as their extreme levels of unavailability was convenient. In some cases, the situationship came with no strings & others had no expectations. The unavailability worked with my hectic unpredictable schedule & I was able to dictate the outcome of when it would be over.

Here's the monkey wrench; I want to get married & grow in love. This means I have to stop craving unavailability & begin to set a standard but also open myself up to the reality that unavailability doesn't produce longevity. In order for me to receive what I want & need I have to jump out of my comfort zone & welcome in a new light.

I woke up this morning, looked at myself in the bathroom mirror & I said to myself  "You know the problem, now let's figure out a solution. But first, are you scared, & if so of what?"

Chasing Pavements.

You blink thirty three times a minute when you're stressed
Twenty three when you're concerned
And twice as many when you feel that you finally understand the lesson learned
In the morning, the sunlight hits your face at an angelic angle that reminds me that magic exists
Why can't I stop remembering all of this?
When you're nervous you bite down on your bottom lip
As you smile the corners of your cheek arch higher than your back when I'm earning that red lobster
Why can't I stop remembering all of this?
If only you can view yourself through my eyes
It would be a maroon tinted lens
Through it you'd see an enigma wrapped up in complexity
A strong bronze fist cocked up shouting "Black Lives Matter!"
Draped in delicate designs that compliment your smooth melanin
It would be clear that your strength is your exoskeleton
I have to be blunt
I feel like nothing to you sometimes
I can't stop remembering all of this
But will you remember me?
When my body craves your presence
As my mind misses your verbal intimacy
Will it matter enough for you to return ? ...

Elle Varner; A Lyrical Genius...

I'm not sure when it happened but celebrities being a one trick pony has been a common trend. There is no originality, there is no attention to detail, there is no fire. In 2016 there are several musical artists that skipped the stage presence classes in performing arts school and it is more entertaining to watch paint dry in your kitchen than to see them "perform".

Elle Varner, is not one of those artists!

Instead, Elle performs from the top of her head all the way down to her perfectly imperfect toes. To see her perform, is an electrifying experience. On Friday (January 29) I had the pleasure of a second row seat to witness her magic. Let's begin from the top. Elle graced the stage in a two piece silver & gray turtle neck bodysuit. The outfit was a great choice as it reflected every shimmer of light that gleamed off. In no uncertain terms, Elle looked radiant. She joked " Am I giving you the late great David Bowie? With a little Diana? & (a lot) of Elle Varner?" Her curls loosely sat like a well sculpted lionesses mane. From the moment that she stepped foot onto the BB Kings stage (here in New York City) she owned that venue.

Elle delivered a well rehearsed, well executed, performance. Elle's voice can only be compared to a bluebird singing your favorite lullaby. She uses that vocal instrument at octaves I have only dreamt of. Every note, every word, every emotion is calculated and organically felt. Elle's debut album peaked at number four on the US Billboard Hot 200 upon its release in 2012. Elle has an amazing ability to fuse Jazz falsetto, Rock , and R&B. Her lyrics will tug at your heart strings and from a man's perspective; make you want to drive over to that girl who's heart you broke and crazy glue it back together. 

Elle performed all of her original music from the debut album and introduced to the world a few brand spanking new unreleased tracks. My personal favorite was entitled "Read Me Down". Which is a playful metaphor about the first (or the most passionate) relationship between two people. The beauty of the lyrics is the juxtaposition between chapters of vulnerability and intimacy. Elle cleverly combined making love with expressing to your partner the chapters of your story that you normally don't read aloud. In case i'm being unclear; Elle is a lyrical genius. She takes every element of heartache, joy, suffering but also healing and wraps it in the lace of forgiveness. 

"From Beyoncè to Lauryn Hill" were the words that she said to us as she sat on a stool and tickled the strings of her guitar. There, she gave our ears an orgasm as we all hung off of her every word. Elle's showmanship was illustrated throughout her entire set. What impressed me was the way that she casually directed her musicians. She subtly would cue them to speed up or slow down their pace as she wanted to tell us just the right story. 

Elle also took advantage of every opportunity to engage with the crowd. She grabbed several cell phones and recorded snapchat videos as she was singing. Elle held hands, blew kisses and consoled an audience member as she cried. Once she finished, Elle returned for a encore performance to belt out another ballad. With her chin tilted upward, and her smile as bright as the sunlight, she whispered "Thank you so much". & just like that Elle concluded a picture-perfect performance. 

As luck would have it, I ended up backstage with her cousins, Dad, NYU friends/alumni and herself. With a quick outfit change, she stood there warmly smiling and holding conversations with everyone. I realized then that what I witnessed on stage was a slice of her actual humility. Elle's spirit is genuinely beautiful. Elle was patient with everyone there and cracked jokes as she hugged and thanked whoever was around (me included).  

Thank you Elle, for sharing your heart with us. I look forward to seeing where you journey to next.          

Light at the end of the tunnel...

I dreamt of you last night
There was a long hallway
& at the end was a single flame
You were at the beginning of it standing near a corner screaming
Your tall silhouette towered over a pen and pad and you wept
Every tear that escaped from your eyes turned into words
Feelings
Emotions
They poured out of you
One after the other
Rows of thoughts
Sentences of sorrow
Stanzas of sadness
I walked over to you
Stretched my arms out to catch them with the fabric from my sleeves
There I was, standing beside you drenched in all the fears that you used to fight back
The chapters of your past that you refuse to read aloud were draped over my body.
Slowly
You turned to me
& said
"I was dying inside, thank you for guarding my feelings , you are a reflection of GOD's love"
& I replied
"There is light at the end of this tunnel, take my hand and we will get there together"
I realized then that nobody ever gave you the space to release anything that weighed your heart down.

My Nig*a; What's Good?!

When will we let the truth set us free?  

I'm not going to sugarcoat any of this, I have no intention to pacify white supremacists or soothe the feelings of white privilege. I also am not going to flatter my friends or foes who refer to each other as "this nigga". I will however address the large elephant in the room; the black plight. If nothing more, 2015 made it abundantly clear that the black struggle is not only real, it is consistently under attack. Black lives are in a state of emergency. In fact, we expect to be treated like diamonds but walk around illustrating that we don't believe to be worth more than a crack rock. Trust me when I say, we all have the power to teach people how to treat us. Currently, we praise the scammers or the illiterate hood-boogers but don't offer the same level of respect for our brothers and sisters who sacrifice their personal time to hold it down for their families and provide academic but also professional opportunities for themselves. We aren't even patient with them or take the time to consider how hard they work. We expect to be offered a seat at the table that gives us a grand chance at our forty acres and a mule by greeting each other with "My nigga wats good?!" 

Allow me to reintroduce some of you guys to the missing pages of American history. The word nigger was a term used to seal the deal after a black person was lynched for sport or recreation. Black people were hunted like cattle. They were tied at their hands & feet, sometimes burnt alive or raped, and were then hung in front of everyone for forms of entertainment. Regardless of how well they behaved , or how quick they were obedient, lynching became a favorite pastime or a quick form of punishment. & right before the last ounce of oxygen left their lungs, they heard the words " You had it coming nigger." Fast forward to present day, we use this word as a term of endearment or an informal greeting everyday. And in the same vein, we are enraged when the decision of no indictment is made for cases like Sandra Bland or Tamir Rice. How often do we hear caucasians (white people for those of us still sleeping) saying " Wassup Cracker!?" or " See you later my saltine!", never! 

The reality is clear, we are still being hunted for sport. It's ironic that too many of us are happlily sleepwalking and falling in line without being proactive. When will it be time for y'all to wake up instead of hitting the snooze button thirty times in a row. You are wasting time. You are losing money. You've lost sight of your worth the moment you settle for less than what you deserve. The words that you release from your mouth will never return to you to void. Plainly put you reap whatever you sow. The good , the bad, the indifferent. If all you ever see yourself as is just another nigga, that is all you'll ever be. Let's try this, no questions; stop giving people discounts on your personal currency. 

We have to arm ourselves with knowledge, with love for our melanin and respect for our journey. Pick up a book before you snapchat those nudes. Be a shoulder for a friend in need instead of uploading that thirst trap. Create a standard of respect for your name and all the sacrifices that were made just for you to have the option to not be the next vine of strange fruit. Balance your life with knowledge, love and encouragement. I'm not saying you can't have fun or enjoy your youth, but learn your worth first. Tamir Rice will never have the luxury to know how it feels to turn thirteen years old.  I hope that if nothing more, this post will make you uncomfortable & restless. I hope that you allow these words to make you get tired of feeling like a guest in masters house. Let that sink in.