All. The. Feelings; Farewell Cravings for Unavailability...

So, I went out to a poetry cafe Saturday evening with my cousin & one of my close friends from college. Poetry has always been a major key in my life. It's a form of release & I enjoy being invited into other people's minds as I hear their feelings. If you're in the LES neighborhood I highly recommend checking out the Nuyorican. It will give you a well needed break from the routine of your work week & I guarantee you'll leave feeling inspired. The daily events are listed on their website & the cover ranges from $10-13. Pick which event you like from the options, arrive early to grab a seat & there you have the recipe for a calm Saturday turn up!

True to form, during our conversation before & in between acts; my love life (or the lack thereof) took center stage. Before I go into detail, let me just say that I wear my emotions on my face. So if you're close enough to me or are actively paying attention ; you know just how to gage what thoughts are running through my mind by looking at my expression. With that being said, these two are the mirrors that I couldn't avoid (even if I wanted to). Their love for me literally cuts me wide open & it keeps me in check. If you're reading this (& you better be, thank you for your investments in my life). They saw that something was heavy on my mind & knew who the culprit was; myself.

I couldn't stop hearing their words ring through my ears. "You're a catch, you're not crazy, you're intelligent, and why do you choose to make limited decisions regarding your heart..." As it turns out, somewhere along the way to accomplishing my goals; I put my heart on the shelf. I deliberately "fell" into situationships that were dumb but that gave me a fixed outcome. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what I was doing. The truth is, I began to crave the unavailability. I'm not sure how but I have an ability to be talked to about any & everything. I have a very emphatic spirit so there are very few things that I can't understand. A lot of women in particular vent to me & a few of them have fallen in love with me.

I knew from our friendship prior to us becoming romantic or intimate that they were either emotionally unavailable or used my attention as a crutch. I filled a void for them & I allowed myself to get involved with them as their extreme levels of unavailability was convenient. In some cases, the situationship came with no strings & others had no expectations. The unavailability worked with my hectic unpredictable schedule & I was able to dictate the outcome of when it would be over.

Here's the monkey wrench; I want to get married & grow in love. This means I have to stop craving unavailability & begin to set a standard but also open myself up to the reality that unavailability doesn't produce longevity. In order for me to receive what I want & need I have to jump out of my comfort zone & welcome in a new light.

I woke up this morning, looked at myself in the bathroom mirror & I said to myself  "You know the problem, now let's figure out a solution. But first, are you scared, & if so of what?"

Chasing Pavements.

You blink thirty three times a minute when you're stressed
Twenty three when you're concerned
And twice as many when you feel that you finally understand the lesson learned
In the morning, the sunlight hits your face at an angelic angle that reminds me that magic exists
Why can't I stop remembering all of this?
When you're nervous you bite down on your bottom lip
As you smile the corners of your cheek arch higher than your back when I'm earning that red lobster
Why can't I stop remembering all of this?
If only you can view yourself through my eyes
It would be a maroon tinted lens
Through it you'd see an enigma wrapped up in complexity
A strong bronze fist cocked up shouting "Black Lives Matter!"
Draped in delicate designs that compliment your smooth melanin
It would be clear that your strength is your exoskeleton
I have to be blunt
I feel like nothing to you sometimes
I can't stop remembering all of this
But will you remember me?
When my body craves your presence
As my mind misses your verbal intimacy
Will it matter enough for you to return ? ...

Elle Varner; A Lyrical Genius...

I'm not sure when it happened but celebrities being a one trick pony has been a common trend. There is no originality, there is no attention to detail, there is no fire. In 2016 there are several musical artists that skipped the stage presence classes in performing arts school and it is more entertaining to watch paint dry in your kitchen than to see them "perform".

Elle Varner, is not one of those artists!

Instead, Elle performs from the top of her head all the way down to her perfectly imperfect toes. To see her perform, is an electrifying experience. On Friday (January 29) I had the pleasure of a second row seat to witness her magic. Let's begin from the top. Elle graced the stage in a two piece silver & gray turtle neck bodysuit. The outfit was a great choice as it reflected every shimmer of light that gleamed off. In no uncertain terms, Elle looked radiant. She joked " Am I giving you the late great David Bowie? With a little Diana? & (a lot) of Elle Varner?" Her curls loosely sat like a well sculpted lionesses mane. From the moment that she stepped foot onto the BB Kings stage (here in New York City) she owned that venue.

Elle delivered a well rehearsed, well executed, performance. Elle's voice can only be compared to a bluebird singing your favorite lullaby. She uses that vocal instrument at octaves I have only dreamt of. Every note, every word, every emotion is calculated and organically felt. Elle's debut album peaked at number four on the US Billboard Hot 200 upon its release in 2012. Elle has an amazing ability to fuse Jazz falsetto, Rock , and R&B. Her lyrics will tug at your heart strings and from a man's perspective; make you want to drive over to that girl who's heart you broke and crazy glue it back together. 

Elle performed all of her original music from the debut album and introduced to the world a few brand spanking new unreleased tracks. My personal favorite was entitled "Read Me Down". Which is a playful metaphor about the first (or the most passionate) relationship between two people. The beauty of the lyrics is the juxtaposition between chapters of vulnerability and intimacy. Elle cleverly combined making love with expressing to your partner the chapters of your story that you normally don't read aloud. In case i'm being unclear; Elle is a lyrical genius. She takes every element of heartache, joy, suffering but also healing and wraps it in the lace of forgiveness. 

"From Beyoncè to Lauryn Hill" were the words that she said to us as she sat on a stool and tickled the strings of her guitar. There, she gave our ears an orgasm as we all hung off of her every word. Elle's showmanship was illustrated throughout her entire set. What impressed me was the way that she casually directed her musicians. She subtly would cue them to speed up or slow down their pace as she wanted to tell us just the right story. 

Elle also took advantage of every opportunity to engage with the crowd. She grabbed several cell phones and recorded snapchat videos as she was singing. Elle held hands, blew kisses and consoled an audience member as she cried. Once she finished, Elle returned for a encore performance to belt out another ballad. With her chin tilted upward, and her smile as bright as the sunlight, she whispered "Thank you so much". & just like that Elle concluded a picture-perfect performance. 

As luck would have it, I ended up backstage with her cousins, Dad, NYU friends/alumni and herself. With a quick outfit change, she stood there warmly smiling and holding conversations with everyone. I realized then that what I witnessed on stage was a slice of her actual humility. Elle's spirit is genuinely beautiful. Elle was patient with everyone there and cracked jokes as she hugged and thanked whoever was around (me included).  

Thank you Elle, for sharing your heart with us. I look forward to seeing where you journey to next.          

Light at the end of the tunnel...

I dreamt of you last night
There was a long hallway
& at the end was a single flame
You were at the beginning of it standing near a corner screaming
Your tall silhouette towered over a pen and pad and you wept
Every tear that escaped from your eyes turned into words
Feelings
Emotions
They poured out of you
One after the other
Rows of thoughts
Sentences of sorrow
Stanzas of sadness
I walked over to you
Stretched my arms out to catch them with the fabric from my sleeves
There I was, standing beside you drenched in all the fears that you used to fight back
The chapters of your past that you refuse to read aloud were draped over my body.
Slowly
You turned to me
& said
"I was dying inside, thank you for guarding my feelings , you are a reflection of GOD's love"
& I replied
"There is light at the end of this tunnel, take my hand and we will get there together"
I realized then that nobody ever gave you the space to release anything that weighed your heart down.

My Nig*a; What's Good?!

When will we let the truth set us free?  

I'm not going to sugarcoat any of this, I have no intention to pacify white supremacists or soothe the feelings of white privilege. I also am not going to flatter my friends or foes who refer to each other as "this nigga". I will however address the large elephant in the room; the black plight. If nothing more, 2015 made it abundantly clear that the black struggle is not only real, it is consistently under attack. Black lives are in a state of emergency. In fact, we expect to be treated like diamonds but walk around illustrating that we don't believe to be worth more than a crack rock. Trust me when I say, we all have the power to teach people how to treat us. Currently, we praise the scammers or the illiterate hood-boogers but don't offer the same level of respect for our brothers and sisters who sacrifice their personal time to hold it down for their families and provide academic but also professional opportunities for themselves. We aren't even patient with them or take the time to consider how hard they work. We expect to be offered a seat at the table that gives us a grand chance at our forty acres and a mule by greeting each other with "My nigga wats good?!" 

Allow me to reintroduce some of you guys to the missing pages of American history. The word nigger was a term used to seal the deal after a black person was lynched for sport or recreation. Black people were hunted like cattle. They were tied at their hands & feet, sometimes burnt alive or raped, and were then hung in front of everyone for forms of entertainment. Regardless of how well they behaved , or how quick they were obedient, lynching became a favorite pastime or a quick form of punishment. & right before the last ounce of oxygen left their lungs, they heard the words " You had it coming nigger." Fast forward to present day, we use this word as a term of endearment or an informal greeting everyday. And in the same vein, we are enraged when the decision of no indictment is made for cases like Sandra Bland or Tamir Rice. How often do we hear caucasians (white people for those of us still sleeping) saying " Wassup Cracker!?" or " See you later my saltine!", never! 

The reality is clear, we are still being hunted for sport. It's ironic that too many of us are happlily sleepwalking and falling in line without being proactive. When will it be time for y'all to wake up instead of hitting the snooze button thirty times in a row. You are wasting time. You are losing money. You've lost sight of your worth the moment you settle for less than what you deserve. The words that you release from your mouth will never return to you to void. Plainly put you reap whatever you sow. The good , the bad, the indifferent. If all you ever see yourself as is just another nigga, that is all you'll ever be. Let's try this, no questions; stop giving people discounts on your personal currency. 

We have to arm ourselves with knowledge, with love for our melanin and respect for our journey. Pick up a book before you snapchat those nudes. Be a shoulder for a friend in need instead of uploading that thirst trap. Create a standard of respect for your name and all the sacrifices that were made just for you to have the option to not be the next vine of strange fruit. Balance your life with knowledge, love and encouragement. I'm not saying you can't have fun or enjoy your youth, but learn your worth first. Tamir Rice will never have the luxury to know how it feels to turn thirteen years old.  I hope that if nothing more, this post will make you uncomfortable & restless. I hope that you allow these words to make you get tired of feeling like a guest in masters house. Let that sink in. 

Mistletoe Kisses

 

Mistletoe Kisses & Caviar Dreams
Large wrapped boxes & magical smile gleams
The smell of freshly cut pine tickles my nose
As my stomach does backflips thinking of the food that was composed
Sweet melodies of love bellow throughout
& I'm stuck here thinking of you & there's no doubt
Your beauty is like water replenishing all of this vessel
I am addicted to your smile
Those curves
Soft lips
That walk
Those hips
Mistletoe kisses & sweet smelling pies
Yet my mind won't stop wondering about the gold which lies between your thighs
Red Ribbons shining
Wrapping paper flying

As your energy surrounds all of my thoughts
Your body communicates messages to me that words will not do justice
I observe you without ever taking a break
To watch how selflessly you give turns me on in ways that only my actions can show
I admire your approach, always real never fake
Mistletoe kisses & millions of mind journeys later...
I am pleased to be covered in the melodies of your 
Voice
Tone
Diction
You are quickly becoming a yearning addiction
The way you understand my problems
The times when you always know just what to say
All leave me in a trance
I know now that you are not just my inspiration 
Just like the tons of fish that occupy the sea
You live in all of my thoughts
& you can find me waiting underneath  the mistletoe...

What's the dirtiest thing you've ever done for money? Gone to college.

        Bruh! I graduated a few months ago from undergrad (#JohnJohnJayCollege #JjayRadio) and as I prepare my applications & narrow down my options for graduate programs, I must admit it feels incredible to exhale. College is a consistent journey of not only self discovery but also non stop growth (if you do it right). You're expected to eat well, study, maintain healthy relationships, get good grades, participate in class, be social, work out, sleep & keep a clean living space.  I know for me (& many of my friends) we learned very quickly that the best way to survive was to create a balance that was ideal for us as individuals.

     During undergrad, I was in between blessings often. To be clear, that's a clever way that I came up with to describe that I was broker than a joke. It's all about perspective & my strategy for myself was to make my mind as optimistic as humanly possible. Throughout the entire time I attended college (for the exception of my senior year) I worked three jobs (two off the books and one on), was a student leader/president of the radio station & I was actively helping my sister raise her son. All this while attending school full-time. & for the record, I graduated with a pretty good GPA. Needless to say, I had very long days. This is where balance and prioritizing saved my sanity. 

    Above everything college taught me the importance of the conditions that follow the word 'if'. That small two letter word is incredibly loaded with power. 'If' creates a relationship. It gives us hope. It helps us stretch our faith. It takes away entitlement. It makes us work towards a reasonable goal. It doesn't involve pride as it creates an environment of humility. Often, I had to tell myself "If you only held on little bit longer..." or "if you can get through this exam, you can get that A for this course". That word was used too many times to count to encourage myself and my peers. 

    College also taught me how crucial a support system is. Parents, if you're reading this, encourage, hug & love your children! It doesn't matter the age or  their gender pure agape love through the form of a hug or an encouraging word; will always be necessary. It shows us that someone cares, that someone is in the stands rooting for us & that we are not in this battle alone.  I thank GOD for my praying mother. 

     College was a direct illustration for me that it is crucial to humble yourself. In this generation there are too many people that don't put themselves aside to think about others. There's nothing wrong with humbling yourself by being concerned with someone else's need. I myself had to cut a slice of humble pie and take the I out of pride. 

     In the time that we gossip or watch reality tv we can support & pray for those who are having a difficult time adjusting to the competitive environment. A childhood friend of mine committed suicide before graduation. I went to grade school, junior high school and high school with him. His grandparents and my mom would take turns going on field trips with our class (which is where they became acquainted as well). It hurt my heart to know that in his time of need , I wasn't there for him. I was too wrapped up in my own day to days that I neglected to see the signs that he was suffering and in need of a non judgmental ear. Now I have to live with the fact that I can never say to him "I miss you, let's grab chipotle soon"

    It all boils down to this, whether it takes you four years or seven; it is important for each of us to squeeze as much out of college that we can. It literally can be what you make it. & if you'd like my advice; use every opportunity that you possibly can to grow!